I’m 90 days sober. This has been the longest, most painful, humbling, frightening, and eye-opening experience of my life.
When I first became a mother, I remember thinking that childbirth was the most painful, humbling, frightening and eye-opening experience of my life. It’s empowering to bring life into the world. The fragility and toughness of babies and vaginas and just the whole motherhood thing really blows my mind. But this.
This.
I was so walled over with addiction, resentment, and pride, so deep into self-medicating to avoid reality, that I had no idea how messed up I was. I still don’t know how messed up I still am, even 2,160 hours into recovery. I don’t know how long or for what reasons I stayed there, hiding from my life, avoiding the discomfort of uncomfortable emotions. I liked it there, in the dark. It felt safe. I mean, a baby feels safe cocooned in utero, but for the sake of her own life, she must eventually experience birth.
I’ve had 90 nights of going to bed sober, falling asleep peacefully, knowing exactly where I am and without fear of needing to jump out of bed to throw up.
I’ve opened my eyes on 90 mornings without a hangover. For 90 evenings I have been able to put my kids to bed sober, without stumbling down the hall, dropping my phone because I’m too drunk to find the light switch, or spilling wine all over my pajamas. I ruined a lot of pajamas, because the thing about me when I’d been drinking is that I drank to not care about things like spilling wine on my pajamas. I certainly never had the foresight to spray stain remover on anything.
I am 10 pounds heavier because sobriety is a cold-hearted bitch. She’s not cutting me any slack, and that’s okay, because right now it’s better for me to be fat and sober than not as fat, but also drunk. Please excuse me while I try not to think about Dark Chocolate M&M’s.
Motherhood used to feel hard.
It’s really not that hard.
Sobriety is hard, but it’s making everything else easier.
Hells yeah.
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I really l love your stories! ❤️ so personal and meaningful that I’m not alone on these feelings.
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You are SO NOT ALONE.
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I don’t know other than Facebook, but I am SO proud of you. I’m a mother to a fur baby and although I’ve toed the line of alcoholic, it’s started to affect more than just me. I’ve cried holding my dog because I couldn’t remember if I took him out to pee, or fed him, when I’ve come home drunk.
I really appreciate your posts and your honesty. While I haven’t quit all together, I have cut back a lot as your posts have given me perspective.
Thank you, for being you.
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Congrats!
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Thank you!
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So proud of you sweetie. Keep going.
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THANK YOU.
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YOU are not alone! What you’re doing is amazing! Keep it up…one day at a time.
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So proud of you! Makes me think! Keep up the fight!
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Reblogged this on Upcycled goddess.
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As always, thanks for sharing your journey us with. One of the first posts of your I remember reading was about your concussion. You’re writing has always captivated me and it continues to do so through sobriety. Keep on keeping on!
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Thank you so much!!!!!!
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Great share ! Thank you !
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