I have a confession to make.

I smugly thought I could handle two children without any problems. That’s called Mom Amnesia. I had forgotten how rough it can be at the beginning. The lack of sleep, the nonstop crying, the tired arms from carrying an infant all over the house. I forgot how much Husband and I fought after we had ONE. I forgot all of it, because I only remembered the good stuff. 

Now we have TWO and it’s all coming back to me. I am no longer smug. I am overwhelmed. But I am also stubbornly willing to do whatever I need to do to make it all work, so … IT WILL BE OKAY. There simply is no other option.

The main thing we have going for us is that Husband and I love and like each other. We are a team. The other thing is that ONE and TWO seem to love each other as well. If we can all make it through the days without someone getting seriously hurt, then I will be happy.

I have been on “high alert” ever since TWO arrived. It’s pretty tiring. But don’t worry, I am taking a high-quality B vitamin every day. I will not be mentioning my anxiety to my doctor, because I think it’s normal. We are equipped to sense danger when we bring a child into the world. It just so happens that the “danger” is my oldest child.

I am constantly worried that a toy is going to smack my newborn in the face, or ONE is going to accidentally step on him. I have worked out a whole bunch of scenarios in my head and all of them are equally awful. My aunt pointed out that this is what makes mothers gray and wrinkled. I believe she is correct. 

I accept that.

Here you can see my arm extended out. Just making sure TWO didn’t end up with a broken neck.

Here you can see that I am sitting pretty much on top of them. ONE wanted to rub noses with TWO. I immediately envisioned a broken nose. But like I said earlier, it’s all going to be okay. I hope.

My mother-in-law is here, and she has had the pleasure of witnessing my postpartum quirks in all their glory. The anxiety, the obsessive cleaning, the short temper, the yelling at ONE … it’s been something. At least she hasn’t seen me flip out on her son, my husband. We’ve got that going for us.

This morning, TWO had his two-week checkup so I went ahead and scheduled ONE for his three-year checkup as well. There was a torrential downpour, and I got soaking wet, ONE was being difficult, I had been up since 4 a.m. and somehow I was still running late, and I was basically a total stress case. 

On the drive back home, I officially ran out of patience and had a “lunatic moment” that involved yelling and swerving the car while trying to swat at ONE’s legs. It was not my finest hour. In retrospect, I should have just pulled the car over. Next time I will.

Here is the text conversation I had with Husband afterward:

Me: Your mom witnessed me act like a lunatic today. ONE is pushing my buttons. I should have pulled the car over and beat his ass. Instead I put us all in danger by trying to spank his leg while driving. I hate being like this.

Husband: (silence)

Me: I feel like a terrible mother.

Husband: You’re a good mother.

Me: Okay then, I feel like a lunatic. 

Husband: (silence) 

I take his silence to mean, yes, I am exhibiting lunatic-like behavior. But at least I’m not a terrible mother.

ONE getting his eyes checked.