This is my attempt at a “pretty picture” blog post to show that we’re not all a bunch of jerks who never leave our house. I kind of giggle at some of the blogs I come across where it’s all flowers and unicorns and no admittance of insanity. You aren’t deceiving me with your perfectly-smocked children and fancy afternoon snacks. Although I am slightly jealous … I’m not fooled. 

I know that unicorny approach works for some people. Those are probably the same ones who think I hate my children because I have no problem admitting that caring for them drives me to drink. 

But look! Here’s proof that sometimes we do normal family activities like attend school programs together and everyone is charming, well-behaved, and dressed in Ralph Lauren. Yesterday we attended *Maverick’s preschool Spring Program. In addition to showing up on time looking put together with a Ralph-Laurened toddler in tow, I was also proud of myself for remembering to bring an actual camera instead of relying on my iPhone for once.

Asher patiently waiting for the program to start.

That boy … those dimples … that chipped tooth.

Maverick was dressed as a bull (see below, far right) and he sang louder than anyone else. Also — and I try to be objective about my children’s talents instead of blindly thinking they are The Most Gifted Children Ever — his use of exaggerated hand gestures and animated facial movements really made me think he has a future in entertainment. And then I said a silent prayer that it will be the kind of entertainment I don’t have to lie about to the rest of the family.

The Husband and The Bull.

Trying to wrangle The Bull for a picture …

Family picture, attempt #1. Kids won’t look at the camera.

Family picture attempt #2, still a fail, but we gave up at this point.

 So there‘s the oh, how nice! part of this story. But you know something else is coming, or I wouldn’t have bothered to sit down and tell it to you.

At the end of the program, all of the children gathered to sing two songs for the grand finale. That’s when this woman …

… STOOD HER ASS UP and remained standing with her camcorder, right there at her seat, while the rest of us tried to see through her. I was livid. Of course there were parents standing to take pictures, but they were off to the sides or in the back where they weren’t blocking someone’s view. I literally could not focus on anything other than my blood boiling. 

Husband seemed nervous when I stated loudly that I can’t see, because THAT LADY IS IN MY WAY, and then I said in a yellisper (yell + whisper, I just made that up) that “SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL HER TO SIT DOWN” and he got a look on his face that told me this was not the time for me to unleash my hormonal rage on a total stranger, in a church, at my child’s preschool program.

And so, I walked to the back and watched from there, with the other respectful parents. I guess I find this kind of behavior shocking because I am just now entering the world of children’s programs and I naively thought adults should know how to act right. It just reminded me that we’re new to this stage of parenthood, and now I wish I had tapped that lady and asked her to please sit down or maybe just put my angry hands on her rude shoulders and pushed her back down into her seat.

I know there is a whole land of rudeness awaiting us, especially if we should ever put our kids in sports. But let me be clear — I have no problem taking a picture of people making jerks of themselves and posting them on the internet. I do it to myself all the time.

*I used to refer to my kids as “ONE” (Maverick, the 4-year-old) and “TWO” (Asher, the 1-year-old), but with a “THREE” coming in about 6 weeks I just can’t keep up this charade. It will be hard enough to call them by their right names in real life. Trying to tell a story with ONE, TWO and THREE is simply too much for me, and probably for you too.