Trans Fats.

Trans fats ... mmmm.I don’t really know what happened.

When Robbie and I met 12 years ago, I was eating a very clean, almost-vegan diet. I guess because I couldn’t get a date and I was bored, I figured it would be a good idea to snack on raw almonds and green tea. I also did a lot of Pilates.

Those days are over.

Anyway, after weeks of flirting he finally walked up to the Customer Service desk in the Albertson’s grocery store where we worked and said, “I want to take you to lunch.”

He had this charisma and confidence that stopped me in my tracks. Not the gross kind of charisma that televangelists have, and not the overinflated kind of confidence that makes me want to punch someone in the face. This was different. He had pizzazz, and YES, I WANTED TO GO TO LUNCH.

I gathered my purse and he drove me across the street to Applebee’s, where I ordered a vegetable plate because that’s the kind of shit that I ate back then, not because I was trying to impress him with my birdlike eating habits. I remember him staring at me incredulously and me feeling confused as to why he was reacting this way.

It’s just vegetables, I said, as he visibly shuddered.

I eventually learned that Robbie only ate the following vegetables:

  1. Iceberg lettuce
  2. Bell peppers
  3. Onions
  4. Potatoes in the form of french fries

The remainder of his diet was comprised of hamburgers, powdered doughnuts, chips, and beer. I was appalled.

Over time, my eating habits changed tremendously as Robbie introduced me to pepperoni pizza, real hamburgers, crab cakes and fudge-flavored Pop-Tarts. I traded steamed vegetables for the gross kind of stuff that you crave when you’re hung over, like tater tots smothered in gravy.

And while I have introduced him to a whole slew of delicacies like pan-fried tofu, veggie dogs, and hummus with pita, nothing I like to eat is quite as fun as Lucky Charms cereal … which really is magically delicious, by the way.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I know I would lose weight if I could just be happy eating a kale salad while the rest of my family dined on pizza, but to me, an extra 10 pounds is worth being able to eat trans fats and unhealthy carbs whenever I please. And also? I cannot believe I lived for 23 years without pepperoni in my life.


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9 thoughts on “Trans Fats.

  1. Eat whatever you want, just less of it. The ten pounds will be gone.

    Or use this easy rule: active days are junk food days. That means you can bring brownies and beer on that hike, you can eat pizza while you clean out the garage, and raking leaves and cleaning out gutters equals pie. You’ll look forward to all major chores and projects and even start planning more active weekends. Because pie.


      • Invent special pie recipes for certain projects and start a tradition.

        –Apple spice pie with caramel ice cream for raking leaves and cleaning the gutters.

        –Brandied cherry pie with chocolate sauce for cleaning out the garage/basement/attic/nasty room.

        –Lemon meringue pie with ginger snap crust for washing all the windows inside and out, including the car windows.

        Mixed berry pie with vanilla ice cream and a sprinkle of cardamom for [insert project here].

        One person makes the pie while the other one gathers materials and preps for the project. Project must be started and completed in one day to earn said pie (this ensures a calorie deficit to make space for pie). Leftover pie to be used for bribing the kids/relatives/neighbors to do chores and errands for you.

        Liked by 1 person

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