Travis.

Remember the chimp named Travis that attacked a woman in 2009 and basically ripped her face off? My friend Audrey and I have decided to make “Travis” our new verb to describe sudden, irrational, ape-like rage.

Some examples:

“I’m about to go Travis on you. Start running now, mother f*cker.”

“I am Travin’ SO bad today because I drank too much coffee with my sinus medication.”

“If you don’t pull into that drive-thru RIGHT NOW, I’m going to pull a Travis. Yes, that’s right — I will eat your face.”

Last night was rough. Robbie kept pulling his CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) mask off and either leaving it on the bed to whoosh air into my face, or turning it off completely. And snoring.

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If only he would wear it.

I can’t tell if he’s doing it in his sleep without realizing it or if it’s a purposeful attempt to push me over the edge, but when it happens I experience pronounced rage. Combine that with the fact that our oldest has a stomach bug and needed my help from 3:00 – 4:00 a.m., and I was up for most of the night.

At 6:00, I woke up my husband and proceeded to bitch about my lack of sleep — which he was partially responsible for — because that is how I process emotions and move past them. I bitch.

Me: “I am so tired.”

Robbie: (Unmoving, from the bed) “Me, too.”

Me: (STIFLING THE DESIRE TO RIP HIS FACE OFF) “You have been in the exact same position all night.”

Robbie: (Silence.)

Me: “Do you realize I physically got out of bed 5 times last night?”

Robbie: “AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE TIRED TOO?”

Me: “YES, YOU ARE ALLOWED BUT I WILL GO TRAVIS ON YOUR ASS IF YOU COMPARE MY TIRED TO YOUR TIRED EVER AGAIN.”

Rational? Not so much. And the sad truth is, I was much too tired to go Travis on anyone at all.

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9 thoughts on “Travis.

  1. THANK YOU! I have been trying to describe this to my husband, but could never find the right words. Of COURSE you are allowed to be tired, but your tired does not even begin to compare with my tired, so no. You are not allowed to tell me you are tired. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ohmyword. I have to tell you my own Travis story…about the actual Travis-Travis. But I will email it to you privately because it could harm the innocent. But it is hilarious.

    Also…I have a CPAP and I can tell you that I rip that thing off in the middle of the night and totally don’t know I do it. I will be sleeping so hard and then wake up in the AM to find my mask thrown on the other side of the nightstand. But yes, when I do that? I wake up exhausted. So, not to defend your husband (because he DID say HMMMM when you asked him about a momkini), but the tired I feel from not sleeping with my CPAP is way different than the tired I had with babies. He’s not just being a dude where a cold is treated like Ebola…he’s actually telling the truth.

    Liked by 1 person

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