Life As A Sober Mother

My writing is so sporadic now that I’m sober. I used to have a routine: get the kids off to school, gulp a few cups of coffee, take an amphetamine, and write. I was fast, certainly. I continued to meet deadlines under some really bizarre circumstances, which is part of why I was able to keep my addictions a secret for such a long time.

In sobriety, my urges to write are calmer and my thoughts have more clarity. I like to think that when I make it to the other side of this phase of being newly sober, I’ll actually be better at my job, but time will tell. In the meantime, I have to tell you about a man named John.

John is quirky and old and speaks metaphorically. I noticed his unusual behavior right away and identified him as an autistic even before he mentioned it. His mannerisms and verbiage gave it away – I know what to look for. John is a retired university professor. He wears suspenders and large spectacles and calls himself a feminist. Sometimes he wears ironic t-shirts and carries a briefcase. He stoops over a little.

I like John.

Part of the dilemma I face as a sober mother is the fact that I have a child who was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and even though we already know that parenthood doesn’t come with a handbook, if it did, parenting a child on the spectrum would mean that I would have to throw that hypothetical handbook into the garbage can and set fire to it.

And also? I have no idea how to be a parent sober. I also don’t know how to be a sober wife, a friend, or a human being, because I have spent the past 15 years (with a few brief breaks known as pregnancy) numbing my feelings with alcohol. Some days, I just hug my kids a lot and feed them Pop-Tarts and call it good. A sober mother isn’t perfect, but she is present.

Maverick’s psychologist told me when he first presented us with the diagnosis that we needed to toss out everything we thought we knew about parenting. We are truly starting over from scratch, and I have a lot of wrongs that I need to make right. It’s kind of nice to just sit next to my 8-year-old and admit out loud that life is really hard but it’s also beautiful, and it’s going to be okay because we are finally on the right track. I think both of us are relieved, each in our own way, to finally have a label to attach to ourselves. There is freedom in having a concrete reason why I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, even though that reason is that I’m an alcoholic.

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I know I need to clear away the old ideas I had about what should be expected from my child (and from me), but I still feel like I’m rooted down in fear. Letting go of my old ideas means that I have to figure out what to do instead.

WHERE IS MY AUTISM PARENTING HANDBOOK?

Oh, that’s right. There isn’t one.

Today, I told John about Maverick. His eyes misted over and he leaned down intently, looked me directly in the face, and said the following words:

“You need to nurture him.

You need to let him rage and wail and say all of the things that the rest of the world will never understand. Let him feel safe with you. Be there for him. Nurture him. I can see that you’re a good mother. Forget about all the things you did wrong before today. Stop beating yourself up over the past.

Nurture your son – that’s what he needs from you.”

I’ve never talked to a man on the spectrum before about my spectrumy kid, but I am so, so glad I did. I gained so much insight from a brief conversation, and I left feeling like maybe what I’ve been doing is good enough, after all.

Nurture him. I can do that today.

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7 thoughts on “Life As A Sober Mother

  1. I like John too. What a wonderful person to have in your life.
    Our beautiful boy is on the spectrum as well, and I agree, throwing out all of the standard parenting rule books is a very good first step towards successfully parenting your ASD child.
    Even more important is loving your boy with all your heart and understanding that his needs will be a little different, as will his unique and wonderful way of looking at the world.
    Enjoy the ride! Also, there are a number of very supportive communities out there when you’re ready.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. One of my son’s best friends is on the spectrum. Just had a sleepover at his house, as a matter of fact. His mom always says her son is most like a “normal” kid when they play together. Or as you would say, doesn’t seem so spectrumy. Sounds like your journey is going well. Just keep swimming 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Learning How To Forgive Myself | Modern Mommy Madness

  4. Hi! I ran across your 5 Stages of Love post and was drawn to your blog after I read that you are sober… and will now be a forever reader after reading that you’re a sober mommy to an autistic child! I got sober 6 months before my daughter was diagnosed with ASD and it is so comforting to find another mom out there that knows what I’m going through. Even though I’ve been sober for almost 3 years now, it’s still an everyday struggle. Nothing makes me crave a drink more then when my child has a meltdown, but it’s also in those moments that I remember why it is so important for me to maintain my sobriety. I would not be able to be the mother she needs if I was still drinking. Thank you for sharing your life with us and I look forward to reading all about your journey!

    Alicia

    Liked by 1 person

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