I promised you a special post dedicated to my upcoming hemorrhoidectomy, and today is your lucky day. Gather round kids, it’s story time!
After debating over how much detail to share about what, exactly, is the matter with my asshole, I’ve decided to start with this: a customer service representative from the hospital system where I’ll have my surgeries called me to make sure I am aware of the deductible amount that we’ll be responsible for.
But before she got into the exact dollar amount, she tripped over what I was having done. I think her words were “partial hysterectomy and … ** trails off unintelligibly ** “
Me: Yes, I’m having my uterus removed AND AN ASSHOLE REPAIR. Let’s call it a “butt job” just for fun.
Her: Oh my! That sounds …
Me: Like your worst fucking nightmare? Yes. Mine too.
Her: I was going to say that it sounds painful.
Me: It will be.
Her: Okay, Mrs. Hobbs, have a wonderful day.
Just so we are clear, I’m having two unfortunate procedures done on the same day because I don’t have time to recover from two separate unfortunate procedures. The uterus needs to go and my two hemorrhoids need to go and yes, I’m terrified. I cope with terror by oversharing.
People don’t like to talk about their assholes, I’m finding. Robbie had to ask for a couple days off work so he can keep an eye on me, and he told his co-workers “Harmony is having some woman stuff done.” Uh, actually, I’m having one woman thing done and the other thing is a human being thing, but he didn’t want anyone to ask questions.
“Why not? Are you embarrassed of my asshole?” I asked.
He totally is.
Now I want to talk about fears, because I have a lot of them. First of all, according to my Gastroenterologist, “no one gets hemorrhoid surgery without serious painkillers.” Even with the pain meds, he warned me that it will, and I quote, “feel like someone is stabbing you in the anus with an ice pick for two weeks.”
I corrected him. “You mean, it’s going to feel like someone is stabbing me in the asshole for two weeks.”
“Yes, it will feel exactly like you’re being stabbed in the anus.”
“You mean the asshole.”
“Whatever you want to call it.”
“I’d like to call it the asshole.”
I was probably born with a weak asshole, but childbirth absolutely wrecked it. If it never bothered me, I would be content to ignore it; however, when we went on vacation in January 2019 and I missed out on zip lining because I was in the belly of a Carnival cruise ship where the hospital is located, that did it. I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THAT. It is, like my doctor says, “a quality of life issue.”
I’m afraid of the pain, obviously, but I am also afraid of the painkillers. I’ve never enjoyed taking painkillers, recreationally speaking, but I know myself well enough to realize that the combination of pandemic + painkillers + actual pain is not great for someone who is a recovering alcoholic. My anxiety over relapsing is worse than my anxiety over the actual recovery process itself, which is saying a lot.
My way of coping with the fear of relapse is to talk about it incessantly. I’m locked in a self-propelled cycle right now where I stress myself out and then wish that someone would shoot me with a tranquilizer dart to put me out of this self-imposed misery.
Asher had his tonsils and adenoids removed last week and took pain meds for a total of three days. The remainder of the Hydrocodone is sitting in our fridge. I envision guzzling it. Then I tell on myself. The vision goes away only to boomerang right back when my anxiety ramps back up.
Someone emailed me recently to ask if I am on medication for anxiety and depression. GIRL, YES. 100%. Five stars. Highly recommend. Super grateful that I was already doing this pre-pandemic, because WOW, guys, the world is really imploding out there.
In conclusion, no one talks about butt problems and if I tried not to talk about my butt problems I would feel ashamed of my butt problems and most likely relapse in one way or another. I don’t want to relapse, so I’ve named my hemorrhoids “Trump” and “Pence” and they have got to go.
(If you liked this post, then you should follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter!)
I must say, naming them is fantastic. The names you chose? Even fucking better. And yes, they just go. You’re a badass. This will blow- but you will make it through because of said badassery
THANK YOU for naming them! HAHAHA! And thank you for your honesty. You won’t relapse, because you have developed some amazing replacement behaviors and safeguards for your addictions. You inspire me so much!
Good luck with your surgeries! I, too, have hemorrhoids, thanks to a twin pregnancy at age 40, but I really hope that they never get bad enough to need surgery.
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Harmony I wish you a speedy recovery. I am also hoping that the recovery is better than expected.
I know how hard the temptation is to relapse. I lost my Bestie last year to alcoholism, she was 52.
I have followed you for years even before your sobriety. The amazing honest woman you are has me laughing and I admire and respect you for all the strength you have.
You won’t lapse cause it just isn’t worth it. On bad moments remember we are all so proud of you and you got this girl. Love and hugs
I too just had a butt job in December and although it is extremely painful it is totally worth it in the end.
I did not take the painkillers, just because I was scared to, but rotated Tylenol and Advil every three hours. I set an alarm to stay on top of it (even through the night) and the pain was manageable.
The worst part is the bowl movements so make sure you are taking stool softeners and lots of fiber. Also, have a warm bath ready so as soon as you are done pooping you can immediately jump in the tub to soak. It will save you and your ass. And don’t use regular toilet paper it is way to abrasive, buy baby wipes.
Trump and Pence need to go!
I had a HUGE thrombosed hemorrhoid and had to have it surgically removed. I drove myself (like an idiot) and 3/4 home almost passed out from the pain. BUTTHOLE ON FIRE. I saw stars and almost blacked out in the tollway. I gave a very high tolerance for pain but this… THIS was a nightmare. Can’t even imagine how you are handling two post ops. I hate meds and only took Tylenol Arthritis … which helped but I still felt like I had a lit sparkler up my a$$ for a week. Heal well … may you soon me butthole pain free!!
It feels like someone stuck a blowtorch up my butt.