One thing starting a new year will do is make you realize your shortcomings, and I have a LOT of them. So, because I’m feeling benevolent, I thought I would put them on the internet so everyone else can feel better about themselves. You’re welcome.

I asked Robbie to help me think of things I am bad at, but he just kept shouting “IT’S A TRAP!!” and refusing to answer. So … that was helpful.

Things I Am Very Bad At:

1. Dieting. I like baby carrots, freshly-squeezed juices, and cous cous. But I also like Peanut M&M’s and extra sharp cheddar cheese. I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that my mother-in-law brought over some Chewy Chips Ahoy Birthday Frosting Filled cookies this week and I can’t be trusted to be alone with them.

2. Remembering passwords or jokes.  Some people, like my Grandpa Tillerson, have a gift for remembering a joke and delivering the punchline. I can do neither of those things. I may have a vague recollection of “a funny joke about a horse,” but that’s all I can remember … which isn’t funny. It is also not funny to really need to access your alternate Gmail account and have to jump through 679 hoops to finally get in because you can’t seem to remember the password. I hate passwords. And secret codes. And special knocks and handshakes. JUST GET TO THE POINT.  JUST SAY HELLO IN PLAIN ENGLISH. I enjoy brevity.

3. Dealing with paperwork. I have approximately 5 tall stacks of papers around my house to show as evidence that I am not the best at dealing with it. I stack it neatly, sure, but then it gets stowed away so my house can be in order. Except that my paperwork (and life in general) is so not in order.

4. Sewing. I’m just bad at it.

5. Crafting. Because basically, I hate glitter. Also, see #4.

6. Cooking meat with bones in it. I’ve never done it. No, not even once. I also can’t eat a drumstick or whatever it is you cavemen people eat. NO THANK YOU. I’ll pass.

7. Being patient with people who take too long to get to the point, like children and sometimes my husband. Just tell me what you want and I’ll tell you if I can deliver it or not. Chances are, the answer is no.

This is in no way an exhaustive list — it’s just what I felt like telling you about. So yes, that totally means I left my worst bad qualities out.

Now if you’ll excuse me, these devil cookies are calling my name.

THE DEVIL MADE THESE.