Adulting Is Hard.

Hello! It’s Happy Hour in my house right now — the kids are snuggled in front of a movie and I am enjoying peace for the first time in nearly 7 straight days.

This week, I guested on Mom Cave TV and it was terrifying and fun all at once. A lot like that ride at Six Flags where they ratchet you up 30 stories and then drop you and you feel like you may die … but in the end it was fun and you lived to see another day.

If you missed it, you can click on the video above to check out all the action!

This week I also got into fight with my husband because I am so overwhelmed with my life and I’m having a really hard time keeping up with everything. “What’s so hard about selling books?” he asked.

I think it’s time to institute the #prayforRobbie hashtag again, you guys.

But seriously, I never understood when moms talked about being overwhelmed and not having time to shower until I had three kids, a husband, a shitload of laundry, a blog, and a book to sell (in addition to being the worst Room Mom there ever was). I told my husband that I can’t remember anything, and he didn’t seem to believe me … that is, until I jumped through hoops to arrange childcare so I could see the OBGYN for the first time since our youngest child was born almost two years ago.

I got up at the asscrack of dawn to groom and scrub like we all do before we have to spread eagle on the exam table, dropped off my kids, went to the doctor’s office … and was told that my appointment was actually LAST Thursday. I missed my appointment. I showed up a full week late.

I wanted to laugh and cry and scream and do all the things, but instead I calmly said “adulting is hard. And I rescheduled.

You might as well laugh.

FullSizeRender(7)If you liked this post, then you will LOVE I Still Just Want To Pee Alone! Click here to find out more!

Doctor’s Orders.

It’s Friday night, which means it’s time for Virtual Happy Hour! My children are glued to glowing screens and my husband just ran to the store because I have PMS and want to drink chocolate syrup directly from the bottle.

DON’T YOU DARE JUDGE ME.

This thing holds 25 OUNCES. Thank you for my favorite glass, Kate!

This thing holds 25 OUNCES. Thank you for my favorite glass, Kate!

If I was a true professional with professional-grade tools, I would have edited out my facial blemishes. But I’m not a professional, nor am I a responsible adult, so I’m just going to sit here with my enormous glass of wine and zitty face and chill.

Today I downed two cups of coffee, went to Zumba, came home, logged onto Facebook … and saw my napping body plastered all over social media. That was jolting. Modern Mommy Madness made the Today.com list AGAIN! Now the whole nation will know the miracle of Napilates.

To all of the tired women everywhere: just lie down. As long as you have your workout wear on, it’s all good. You’re totally working out, it just looks like you’re not. If someone wakes you, tell them to HUSH. You’re EXERCISING.

In other news, Robbie has high blood pressure. This comes as no surprise, as I have witnessed him consume more vegetables in the past 6 months than he consumed in our entire 12-year relationship. Even still, it’s upsetting. I married a man two years younger than me. I didn’t sign up for hypertension.

I called and made him a doctor’s appointment, because what I may lack in bedside manner I make up for in pragmatism. I nervously waited for him to come home, to hear the awful truth of his situation. He walked in with a very serious look on his face.

“Well?? What did the doctor say?” I asked nervously.

He took a deep breath. I waited.

“She told me the only thing that will make me better is to get more blow jobs from my wife.”

I immediately said it was time for Napilates.

I’ll Drink To That.

It’s Friday night again — how did that happen already?! — and time for what I will henceforth refer to as Virtual Happy Hour. This is when I crash in my jammies, drink wine, and pretend that I’m hanging out with my best girlfriends.

There is no primping. No squeezing myself into real pants. There is no scene to been seen in. The scene is me, gripping a bottle of wine, hiding in a quiet room … because Daddy is getting up with the kids in the morning, and it’s been one helluva week.

Tonight I am in a celebratory mood. Who’s up for shots?!!

Nobody?!

COME ON.

This week, I was minding my own business in Target when a reader approached me … which was a first. I mean, I run into people periodically, but she recognized me from my blog and made a point to speak to me. I, of course, turned around to see who she was talking to. When I realized she was talking to ME, I started laughing and couldn’t stop, because I am not socially awkward or weird in the least.

Let’s all take a moment and be grateful that I’m a writer and not a person who, say, talks on the radio or sits in front of a camera, because wow. I will now take another shot, because just thinking about that stresses me out.

I potty-trained a human this week. And all the mothers everywhere said, “I’LL DRINK TO THAT.”

Modern Mommy Madness was included in this list on Today.com and I am so amazed and elated and also feel like maybe there was a mistake somewhere because how did that even happen?! My kids need to recognize. From now on, my discipline plan will be yelling “HEY! I was on the 11 Funniest Facebook Posts From Parents This Week list, so stop your whining and eat your dinner!” (Sidenote: that doesn’t work. At all.)

Robbie has a sugar ant colony in his car. They’ve been there for 8 months, since he gained ownership of the vehicle. I took it to the grocery store this week and totally freaked when I discovered that the ANTS are STILL IN THERE BECAUSE HE HAS NOT ADDRESSED The ISSUE, and this is the face I made.

20150208_163652I love that man. I really, really do. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and we have no plans and no gifts and my expectations are very low which works for us right now … but … he has an ant colony in his car. That’s really tripping me up. I’ll have to find a way to move past it.

That’s true love, bitch.

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