Up Shit Creek.

It’s dangerous to assume the following:

1. Your kid “knows better.”

2. Your kid “would never do” X, Y, or Z.

3. Your kid is asleep.

Yesterday was a very nice, lazy day. None of us got out of our p.j.’s. No one got spanked or even went to time out. We all just cuddled in the living room in front of the TV. I NEVER do that, but I didn’t feel great so I decided to take it easy.

At bedtime, all hell broke loose. TWO started crying. I tried everything. Finally, I stuck him in his swing, kissed his little head and told him I was sorry, but I had to put his big brother to bed now, and I would be back. He responded by screaming loudly.

I took ONE upstairs and read The Cat In The Hat Comes Back before tucking him in. I’d like to state here that I used to love Dr. Seuss, before I had children and actually had to read his works aloud. Now I loathe him. Loathe. 

During the whole bedtime routine, TWO screamed downstairs. I ignored it. I took my time with ONE. I hugged and kissed and listened to him talk about his day. When it was time for me to go, he fell apart. This happens every night, so I steeled my will, and left him to scream in his doorway. Now I had two screaming children in my house. Awesome.

It took me forever to calm down TWO, who had worked himself into hysterics. After awhile, the house quieted. TWO was asleep in my arms, and I assumed ONE was asleep as well. So I did what made sense. I turned on Project Runway.  

An hour later, my worst germ-related nightmare came true. I heard a crash and went up to check on ONE. I found him naked except for his diaper and he was absolutely caked with poo. He had used his own poop to paint the carpet, the double-lined Pottery Barn curtains, the chair that my dad covered with custom fabric, and his lamp. When he heard me coming, he jumped into his bed, so obviously it was all over THAT as well.

I have never in my life been more grossed out or outright FURIOUS. I had to bathe him immediately, and of course at this exact moment TWO woke up because it was time for him to eat. I felt like my head might explode. I felt like just walking out the door and sitting in the driveway until Husband came home. It was 8:30 p.m. and it had been a long ass day. Now I had one kid crying from hunger and another kid crying because he was sitting in “poo water.”

I am a praying person, but since I had TWO I have begun to pray almost constantly. Having another child has been wonderful for my relationship with God. I don’t discuss it much here, but without the help of the Good Lord I would be up shit creek.

No pun intended. 

Today it is building my character to be nice to my older son, who I am still mad at. I will be doing laundry for a very long time. I have to iron every one of those f#cking curtains after I wash and hang dry them. I am pissed. But … but. I have to keep reminding myself that this life we are living isn’t easy. No one said it would be. One day I’ll look back on this and laugh …



4 thoughts on “Up Shit Creek.

  1. OHMAGOODNESS. This was not funny. But yet it was. No, it wasn't. Now, I'm just being cruel. For a split second, I might have considered hiring a crime scene clean-up crew. Oh girl…I am so sorry. They really know our numbers, don't they?


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