If you are flat-chested and bitter about it, stop reading here.

For the rest of you, I’d like to discuss boobs. Today during Bodyflow class at the Y, I am almost positive mine tried to smite me. I really do think it’s possible to be smothered to death by your own ladies. 

If you are flat-chested and opted to continue reading this, and are thinking something along the lines of “I wish I had that problem,” YOU DO NOT WANT THAT PROBLEM. I have outlined the reasons why:

1. Although none of my bras fit properly, I am afraid to get professionally measured because I’m almost positive they don’t sell my size in normal stores and I’ll be forced to spend $80/bra at one of those stores for large-boobed women.

2. Big boobs may be attractive to some, but only if they are fake or holstered by a sturdy undergarment. Otherwise, they’re gross. Pure and simple. Gross, sad, and depressing.

3. If you don’t believe me, why don’t you visit this website (NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK): www.theshapeofamother.com.

4. I noticed the other day that my cleavage is creeping up to my neck. This means that pretty soon, I’ll have cleavage up to my neck.

Since I am only 32 years old, I have decided to make do with my current situation. I will work out, lose weight, have more babies (maybe), work out, lose weight, schedule Husband’s vasectomy, and then schedule myself a boob job and possibly skin removal for my lower abdomen. Yoga and pilates seem to be doing wonders for my core, but there ain’t nothing that can be done about all of that skin.

Now, if you’ll excuse me … ONE is outside covered in mud and poop. I lead a very glamorous life.