Postpartum Depression.

I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile, but I didn’t know how to start. Writing it is hard for me, but NOT writing it seems like a lie. So here goes.

I developed postpartum depression a few months ago. It wasn’t immediate … it took a few months after TWO was born for me to sink all the way down to the bottom of a hole so deep I couldn’t find my way out. I felt angry and sad and I cried all the time. There were several incidents where I went into fits of rage that actually freaked me out. 

Several people close to me carefully mentioned I might need to speak with my doctor, but I was in denial. I thought my problem was sleep deprivation (which of course wasn’t helping). I thought it was all Husband’s fault. Somewhere deep inside of my head, I worried that I was simply a failure at this stay-at-home-mom-of-two thing. Maybe I just couldn’t handle it. Maybe it was all a mistake. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was married to a jerk. Maybe something was wrong with my kids. Everything seemed so cloudy … I couldn’t sort through it.

I did NOT want to admit that it was PPD, because that would mean seeking medical assistance. I felt like it was a cop out. Something about the whole situation made me feel weak, like I wasn’t strong enough to overcome life. I finally had what I wanted: two beautiful children that I was fortunate enough to stay home with. Why was I so angry all the time? Why did I cry so much?

My mother is the one who finally shook me into reality by saying I seemed so unhappy that it was making her sad. I was silent. And then I called my doctor. I am now medicated and feeling consistently cheerful for the first time in months. TWO finally started waking up just once a night the other week, so I’m feeling more rested. Suddenly, almost magically, life isn’t so damn HARD.

Medication isn’t an indefinite answer for me. I won’t take it for more than a few months. I went through a similar experience after ONE was born, but it wasn’t nearly as drastic as this has been. Every day I feel grateful to that bottle of pills. Judge if you must … but I haven’t cried in weeks. And believe me, I’ve had days that warranted tears. 

I’m writing this because I know there are so many women who will understand it. I’m certainly no pill-popper, but when there is a need … 

TAKE THE PILLS.

Now that we have that out of the way, I will go back to discussing fun and inappropriate things, like how my oldest son caught Husband and I in a “compromising situation” the other day. Let’s just say that you can lock the door and have a childproof apparatus on the outside of the knob, but if you fail to shut the door all the way, you may as well leave it wide open.

One thought on “Postpartum Depression.

  1. Hi, we meet at work, or old work for you. I read you post lots and lots we all do. I can definitely say that I UNDERSTAND postpartum. I kind of went there with my first, and actually had to pray and pray and pray and pray before relief came around the three month mark. We also considered medication, so i understand that too. You are very brave for being HONEST. Plenty of women especially young moms feel like we do, it is just brave moms like you who address it head on for the rest of us. Thanks ma'am.

    Like

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