Dear Martha, of Martha Stewart Collection,

My son broke my egg timer while he was pretending it was part of his “airplane,” which was actually an empty diaper box:

This saddened me deeply, not because I used my timer that much, but because it was shiny and looked nice in my kitchen. My mother thoughtfully bought me a new one, shown here. It’s your 60 Minute Timer, purchased from Macy’s.

I had a little trouble … you see, I first tried prying open the plastic case with my hands. This was hopeless. So then I got after it with a pair of kitchen scissors.

Eventually I got desperate and angry and used my teeth, as you can see. Not my most lady like moment, but I did manage to pry off everything but the top part. 

It was at this point that I almost gave up and asked my husband for help.

But then, I looked at that tiny, smug, picture of you on the front of the package, next to that picture of a perfectly iced cupcake, and I ripped the rest of that crap off.

It nearly took me 60 minutes to open, so I want you to know that you have done a fantastic job of naming this product. It is indeed the 60 Minute Timer. WELL DONE. So far I dislike it very much.

Sincerely,
Harmony