After writing this post yesterday, several people have emailed or commented asking to see my list.
You know … the list. The one I pull out when I have heard too much needless whining. The one I refer to when I have picked up other people’s dirty clothes for too many days in a row or spent time cooking a meal and breaking up fights and keeping a toddler from touching the stove, AND NO ONE EATS IT.
This list strikes fear in the hearts of those who have to live with me. Want to compare notes? OF COURSE YOU DO!
13 Surefire Ways To Make Life Difficult For Your Family:
- Omit items from the grocery list that everyone else likes, and buy what I like instead. Example: instead of Honey Nut Cheerios, I will buy fat-free granola with dried berries. Instead of whole milk, I will get almond milk. Instead of sweet tea, you will drink PLAIN WATER.
- If the situation in #1 grows dire enough, someone will eventually suggest going to the store. I will then produce a lengthy and complicated list of hard-to-find items. Can’t find the fresh coriander? LOOK HARDER.
- Fail to charge all of the iThings.
- Lose the chargers.
- Insist that we listen to the “Sunday Jazz Brunch” Pandora station all. weekend. long. It’s good for brain growth.
- Assign additional chores to anyone who talks to me. “Oh, hi! I was about to ask you to fold these towels!” or, “Hello, child! You have so much energy. Here’s the Windex — you’re 4 now. You can totally clean windows.” Pro tip: this one is my favorite.
- Go on a health kick. The mere idea of throwing away all of the Pop Tarts makes them gasp in unified horror.
- Suggest a bike ride and then say, “Daddy will take you! Have fun!” Disappear.
- Enforce educational-only books and TV shows for as long as it takes for them to become sufficiently educated.
- Sing in the car.
- Stop washing clothes. Hint: no one will notice or care until they start running out of underwear. Prepare to look confused when they ask where all of their underwear went.
- Consider military-style consequences for unwanted behavior, i.e. push-ups, digging holes, and running laps.
- Leave the house.
Bonus points: hang this banner in a common area.
There you have it! My list is ever-changing and ever-growing. What’s on yours?! I’m always looking for new ideas.