No matter how calm and collected a woman may be, you can rest assured that there are countless ways to piss her off. I don’t mean just irk her a little — I mean send her flying into a rage reminiscent of 2007 Britney Spears.
Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. We all have those moments.
I’m almost certain that my children have a master list hidden somewhere in the house where they keep track of the behaviors that seem to make me the angriest, which they refer to when they need some quick entertainment.
When and if I am able to locate this list and decode it, I imagine that it will go a little something like this.
10 Surefire Ways To Enrage Our Mother:
- Emerge from a bath without drying off. Proceed to wrap your entire body in toilet paper.
- Refuse to poop when she encourages you to, even if you really do have to go. Hold it in until the worst possible time. Repeat as needed.
- Poop in the backyard.
- Grind your Goldfish crackers into dust and blow them across the kitchen.
- Allow her to painstakingly part your slippery toddler hair and affix it into two perfect pigtails. Stare at her without emotion while slowly pulling them out.
- Wait until she leaves the room. Scream like you just got your fingers chopped off. Laugh when she comes rushing into the room with a panic-stricken look on her face. Pro Tip: You’ll probably only be able to do this once.
- Say the same thing over and over. Say the same thing over and over. Say the same thing over and over.
- Use her fancy shampoo as bubble bath.
- Play with her makeup … in her closet. (Allow your imagination to run wild with this one! Maverick once painted the closet carpet like a rainbow!)
- Pretend to be a cat. Do all the things a cat would do, such as hiding under the bed when it’s time to leave the house, pawing at others and yowling when someone is brushing your teeth. Don’t forget the most important part: eat and drink without using your hands. (See #3 for extra points!)
Rest assured, friends … I have a list of my own that I refer to as needed. It’s called “Ways To Make Life Difficult For Everyone Around Me.”
No one wants to see me pull that list out.