The Blinding Freaking Sun of Sobriety

Today I am 8 days sober. It feels like shit.

I cry all the time. Everything is so clear and so loud that it literally hurts. I’ve been cycling through the process of numbing and recovering from numbing, only to do it all again 12 hours later, for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to experience pure emotion.

Pure emotion is overwhelming. It feels like blinding light after emerging from a very dark cave. My hands are literally clamped over my eyes in an effort to block out the BLINDING FREAKING SUN OF SOBRIETY. It hurts. I’m stumbling. I don’t know how to get where I’m going, because I don’t know where that is; I only know that I don’t want to go backward.

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I’m attempting to take up running. It’s terrible.

I’ve never been the kind of person who hides from her own life or her own feelings, and yet somehow I became exactly that. Facing myself honestly has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, which scares me a lot because it’s only been 8 days and I’m already kind of exhausted.

I started numbing a long time ago, before I met Robbie, before I became a mother. It took a full 18 years to cycle through the process of drinking socially to binge drinking to drinking to completely block out reality.

The first time Robbie and I hung out outside of work, I got so drunk that he had to drive me home.

The second time, we went on a proper date to Applebee’s in the middle of the day. He walked up to the Customer Service counter at the grocery store where we both worked, leaned against the lotto machines, and said, “I want to take you to lunch.”

Somehow, we saw each other. Everyone thought Robbie was an asshole because he has no affect. He lacks emotional expression, both facially and verbally. He literally has a poker face almost 100% of the time. Back then, it was intriguing. Almost 14 years later, it drives me crazy.

Most people interpreted his lack of affect as rudeness, but I liked it. I thought he was non-emotional because he was aloof and self-confident. He wouldn’t need me to fulfill something that was lacking in his life. He would not try to fix me.

I was right — he didn’t try to fix me. He fell in love with me as I was, even though I drank too much and I was addicted to diet pills. When I didn’t take them, I acted like a complete and total lunatic.

He loved me anyway.

He loved how smart and funny I am. He loved how I see him, like he sees me. If the people who can truly see me believe that I can do this, then I believe that I can. I just hope that they’ll still love me by the time it’s all over.

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10 thoughts on “The Blinding Freaking Sun of Sobriety

  1. I feel your pain! I am on day 6 of sobriety today. I have made multiple attempts to stop/moderate over the last year. Took off 30 days from drinking here, a week there – just to go back to exactly where I was before. A week ago I had a real reality check with alcohol and it finally clicked – moderation does not work for me. I’m done with it! After almost two decades of drinking, it is a whole new, raw and overwhelming experience (just like you said). Please reach out, if you ever need to talk, vent etc. Hang in there, it will get better!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I have been following you on facebook for a long time, and just know that I 100% believe in you and I KNOW you can do this. I am so proud of you! It’s so hard to feel all the feelings, but you can do hard things! One day at a time!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am 90 days sober and I remember feeling so raw. Like someone had ripped a bandage off of my emotions. I did not know how to feel or act. Don’t give up….. This too shall pass.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. My mom stopped drinking the last 2 years of her life. There were many years of mimimal contact. Years wasted too late to go back. Hang in there, what cannot be faced sometimes needs to be changed. You are going in the right direction. This was a very brave thing to admit.

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  5. I think youre really brave and I think you’re gonna make it, I think anyone who battles alcoholism and wins is a warrior. I’m the daughter of a dead alcoholic, The final attempt at sobriety killed. Her body couldn’t handle the withdrawl again, that final time. Don’t give up. You will make it. All the luck in the world to anyone who is trying. You’re remarkable. I’ve seen first hand the battle and those who don’t help or understand. You’re doing an amazing thing, keep going xx

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  6. I believe in you! I know you can do it! From one sober mommy who was so broken 126 days ago to today, I am here for you sweet heart! It won’t be easy, but it is possible! I will be praying for you! If I can do it, the most stubborn person on the planet, so can you! Say it, claim it, own it, speak it and then do it! Love, prayers and hugs! Day 8 is a huge accomplishment already! Keep going mama!

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  7. Your amazing and brave.. my hub and I met at a bar years ago and our whole relationship existed around drinking.. once I started my path of sobriety he changed..,
    I changed. It’s loud and bright and scary but better in the long run than feeling like shit all the time. Xo
    Lex

    Liked by 1 person

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