I Revolt Against This Asshattery

_You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you._MARY TYLER MOORE

It’s true. Thank you, Mary Tyler Moore, for saying so.

I was raised to be a brave person. My parents encouraged me to push myself out of my comfort zones and do scary things in order to grow. I’ve watched them face scary things my entire life, seen their stoic bravery and watched as they carefully avoided the dark vortex of self-pity.

I admire them. They’re real, genuinely kind-hearted people, and because of their example, I am not afraid of having bad things happen to me.

Wait.

That’s a lie.

I thought I wasn’t afraid of having bad things happen to me. I’ve literally gone for years thinking of myself as a tough, gritty person who can power her way through almost anything. The reality is, I AM A COMPLETE AND TOTAL CONTROL FREAK WHO IS TERRIFIED OF PAIN AND FEARS THE UNKNOWN.

Yes, I can power through hard stuff. Yes, I can robotically and speedily go through the motions of life in order to survive, and sometimes I write in a way that others consider honest, because I’m more willing than some to admit my shortcomings. But does that make me brave or courageous?

No. It made me an alcoholic.

I don’t know when I took a wrong turn, or how much work I’ll have to do in order to correct this (a skilled therapist is in order), but the thought of losing control literally knocks the wind out of me. If I allow myself to meditate on a situation that I have zero control over, it feels like someone is squeezing the air out of my body, and I have to remind myself to breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four — like a Navy SEAL.

How do other women meet the expectations set for us without ending up committed, hooked on controlled substances, or in treatment for depression? I’m going to make it my life’s work to find a solution to this problem, not only for myself, but for every other woman out there trying to be a mom, a friend, a wife, keep up with her health and the health of her family, the condition of her home, her spiritual life, her financial life, and also at the same time remember to feed the cat and pay the damn taxes. TO ALL THESE WOMEN, I SAY, THIS IS BULLSHIT. We can’t keep doing this to ourselves! Who made these rules?! Why do we agree to them?!

I revolt.

More to come.

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6 thoughts on “I Revolt Against This Asshattery

  1. I accepted in the first year of my twin sons’ life that I couldn’t do everything, let alone do it all well. It’s simply not possible for me to be on my A game as a mother, a wife, an employee, a friend and relative, and a community member.

    I believe that this acceptance saved my sanity. I now just try to prioritize and do the best I can and not beat myself up over my inability to do and be everything others tell me I should.

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  2. You don’t have to be perfect! Please believe that! Your house can be dirty- just leave the vacuum out and if anyone knocks on the door- just say- I was just going to vacuume but I’d rather share a cup of tea with you! Your kids are happier in old clothes so don’t stress. They love simple foods so spend time enjoying a fun afternoon rather than cooking! Simplify your life a little and concentrate on only a few priorities- life is short, believe me!

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  3. There was a time in life that I was a real quitter and then bad things happened and quitting wasn’t one of the available options. I think I realized I could push through just about anything when my husband, my sister and a close friend played loud Irish music while I gave my dad a haircut at a funeral home after he had deceased.

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