Me: ONE, if you want to have a playdate, you have to let me get dressed. I am in my underwear. Can we have people over when I am wearing only underwear?

ONE: Sure. Why not?

Me: Because they will never come over again.

The more weight I lose post-TWO, the more oddities I notice.

Someone needs to write an article, or a book, with tips on how to look good naked after you’ve had a few children. Over the years I have seen and read many articles on how to look good naked but I’m almost positive they were written for women who have not been stretched to the hilt. And who needs this information more than mothers?? WE are the ones who need to know how to look good naked and in some cases, clothed. We have circles under our eyes and loose skin on our stomachs and extremely sad-looking chests.

If I ever write a book, I’m going to title it My Boobs Only Look Normal When I’m Freezing Cold. And if a miracle transpires and I get a mommy makeover surgery before I write said book, I’ll title it From Lumpy Saggy to Perky Happy.  

I figure both of these titles would weed out anybody looking for an intellectual read. Because you’re not going to find it here, sister.

I need a camera. By that I mean, something other than my cell phone, which I have dropped in a sinkful of water. The only pictures I have of TWO’s first year are on my cell phone. But when I think about buying a camera my first thought is, “Ugh … I don’t have the time to learn how to use a new gadget.” 

Anyway … this post is about the things I have discovered in Baton Rouge that make me exceedingly happy. 

1. Forest Community Park. It’s 2 minutes from my house, there is an AMAZING playground, covered sitting areas, fake grass that babies can crawl on, a splash pad, and walking trails. I’ll be back. Maybe on a daily basis. It was just that good.

2. Polo Cleaners. This is a drycleaning establishment I loved before I moved away, but now that I’m back I was thrilled that it happens to be in my neighborhood. The prices are good and they do a good job but the best thing was when ONE went inside with me yesterday and the guy behind the counter offered to give him a tour of the place. You know, so he can see how drycleaning is done. SO. AWESOME.

3. Jones Creek Regional Library has a lot of weird things going on that intrigue me. Puppets and yo-yos and such. I enjoy odd things and I have every intention of exposing my kids to a juggling gypsy or whatever happens to be going on this week.

4. Alcohol. It’s everywhere. There is an entire aisle devoted to hard liquor at every store ranging from Rite Aid to Walmart. I love this not because I’m constantly in the market for it, but because it adds to the general vibe of relaxation that is going on here. My friend thinks that everyone in Louisiana is “loose” because of the heat. Maybe she’s right.

5. It’s HOT. This doesn’t thrill me, but I think I’m coping better with the heat since I don’t have to wear anything but workout wear or pajamas. So I went ahead and added it to my list. The heat. It makes us loose. My kid runs around in nothing but his underwear. No one cares. In fact they probably think they’re missing a really fun party.

Watching big brother climb at the park.

So after yesterday’s pity party about how my life is so hard, I texted a good friend who I’ll always admire because she is much younger than me and has three children and is about to start homeschooling one of them. Just the fact that she is considering taking on homeschooling puts her much higher on the “coping well with motherhood” scale. I mean let’s get real. There is no way in HELL I would ever attempt that. I salute her.

Anyway, I asked her how she ever had a third child because my first two are killing me. She replied to just try to take it one thing at a time. Such simple advice and so true. I will try to work on that.

I also bought some B vitamins which I hope will help me take life one small hurdle at a time. But you know what? I have other coping mechanisms that are probably bad for me and my children and I no longer feel guilty about them. Like vodka and a lot of television. And canned beans. And sugary snacks at the park, and cleaning products that are probably toxic. I struggle to keep everyone in my house happy, including myself. If an ice cream and some NickJr can cure what ails us, I see nothing wrong with that.

Right now we’re in a really crazy phase that is kind of like the colic phase in that I have trouble completing a thought or going to the bathroom. 

It’s called mobility.

I thought getting a baby gate would change my life because TWO is into absolutely everything since he learned how to stand up. Our house still isn’t completely babyproofed and I can’t turn my back without something happening. Of course I remember this phase with ONE, but he didn’t have an older brother trying to wrestle with him near a brick hearth. 

So today I bought a $22 baby gate and I had peace for the two minutes that it was intact and then TWO rammed into it and it came crashing down. I reached the end of my rope for the day and called my mother who suggested I put the gate back up and try to teach him not to touch it. So we’ll see how that goes. 

It’s hard to remember to cherish each day with your kids when they are running you ragged. I mean for REAL. It really makes me question myself, like am I just a weak person or are my kids just super active? And would it be wrong for me to hire part time help? Because Husband doesn’t get home until after 7 pm and by then I feel like I may die. 

HOW DO PEOPLE HANDLE THIS? AM I CRAZY?

Those are BITE MARKS.

ONE enjoys butter.

A lot.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are in Baton Rouge until mid-June. I just read that in 225 Magazine. Don’t think I won’t stalk Whole Foods until I see one of them. Although … I can’t stand Katie, I think their marriage is a sham and Tom is slowly starting to look like a woman.

Something is deeply wrong with me.

I’ve turned the laundry room into my own private little Mecca.

 This side … not so much.

Don’t try to look up his shorts.

It’s an exciting day in the Hobbs household. I mean seriously, gird your loins because this is EXCITEMENT, people.

  
Today I gave both kids the same food for lunch: macaroni & cheese (a special kind with veggies hidden in the pasta, supposedly) and mixed vegetables. 

ONE ate it with gusto. TWO gave me the look pictured above. That look says …

“Come on, lady. Surely you can do better than this. I mean, macaroni out of a BOX? It’s shameful, really, that you would dare to wear that Anthropologie apron if you are going to serve us cafeteria food. Next time consider something with truffle oil. Yes … I think I would like that very much.”