13 Surefire Ways To Make Life Difficult For Your Family

After writing this post yesterday, several people have emailed or commented asking to see my list.

You know … the list. The one I pull out when I have heard too much needless whining. The one I refer to when I have picked up other people’s dirty clothes for too many days in a row or spent time cooking a meal and breaking up fights and keeping a toddler from touching the stove, AND NO ONE EATS IT.

That.

This list strikes fear in the hearts of those who have to live with me. Want to compare notes? OF COURSE YOU DO!

13 Surefire Ways To Make Life Difficult For Your Family:

  1. Omit items from the grocery list that everyone else likes, and buy what I like instead. Example: instead of Honey Nut Cheerios, I will buy fat-free granola with dried berries. Instead of whole milk, I will get almond milk. Instead of sweet tea, you will drink PLAIN WATER.
  2. If the situation in #1 grows dire enough, someone will eventually suggest going to the store. I will then produce a lengthy and complicated list of hard-to-find items. Can’t find the fresh coriander? LOOK HARDER.
  3. Fail to charge all of the iThings.
  4. Lose the chargers.
  5. Insist that we listen to the “Sunday Jazz Brunch” Pandora station all. weekend. long. It’s good for brain growth.
  6. Assign additional chores to anyone who talks to me. “Oh, hi! I was about to ask you to fold these towels!” or, “Hello, child! You have so much energy. Here’s the Windex — you’re 4 now. You can totally clean windows.” Pro tip: this one is my favorite.
  7. Go on a health kick. The mere idea of throwing away all of the Pop Tarts makes them gasp in unified horror.
  8. Suggest a bike ride and then say, “Daddy will take you! Have fun!” Disappear.
  9. Enforce educational-only books and TV shows for as long as it takes for them to become sufficiently educated.
  10. Sing in the car.
  11. Stop washing clothes. Hint: no one will notice or care until they start running out of underwear. Prepare to look confused when they ask where all of their underwear went.
  12. Consider military-style consequences for unwanted behavior, i.e. push-ups, digging holes, and running laps.
  13. Leave the house.

Adios

Bonus points: hang this banner in a common area.

I found this on Pinterest, and it is amazing. I have no idea where it originated from, but I WANT ONE.

I found this on Pinterest, and it is amazing. I have no idea where it originated from, but I WANT ONE.

There you have it! My list is ever-changing and ever-growing. What’s on yours?! I’m always looking for new ideas.

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10 Surefire Ways To Enrage Your Mother

No matter how calm and collected a woman may be, you can rest assured that there are countless ways to piss her off. I don’t mean just irk her a little — I mean send her flying into a rage reminiscent of 2007 Britney Spears.

Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. We all have those moments.

I’m almost certain that my children have a master list hidden somewhere in the house where they keep track of the behaviors that seem to make me the angriest, which they refer to when they need some quick entertainment.

When and if I am able to locate this list and decode it, I imagine that it will go a little something like this.

10 Surefire Ways To Enrage Our Mother:

  1. Emerge from a bath without drying off. Proceed to wrap your entire body in toilet paper.
  2. Refuse to poop when she encourages you to, even if you really do have to go. Hold it in until the worst possible time. Repeat as needed.
  3. Poop in the backyard.
  4. Grind your Goldfish crackers into dust and blow them across the kitchen.
  5. Allow her to painstakingly part your slippery toddler hair and affix it into two perfect pigtails. Stare at her without emotion while slowly pulling them out.
  6. Wait until she leaves the room. Scream like you just got your fingers chopped off. Laugh when she comes rushing into the room with a panic-stricken look on her face. Pro Tip: You’ll probably only be able to do this once.
  7. Say the same thing over and over. Say the same thing over and over. Say the same thing over and over.
  8. Use her fancy shampoo as bubble bath.
  9. Play with her makeup … in her closet. (Allow your imagination to run wild with this one! Maverick once painted the closet carpet like a rainbow!)
  10. Pretend to be a cat. Do all the things a cat would do, such as hiding under the bed when it’s time to leave the house, pawing at others and yowling when someone is brushing your teeth. Don’t forget the most important part: eat and drink without using your hands. (See #3 for extra points!)

Rest assured, friends … I have a list of my own that I refer to as needed. It’s called “Ways To Make Life Difficult For Everyone Around Me.”

No one wants to see me pull that list out.

10 Surefire Ways To Enrage Your Mother(If you liked this post, then you should follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter!)

Our Life Now.

DUDE.

My life is in major overdrive. Suddenly I have plans and goals, which is really disorienting because I can’t remember the last time I had plans or goals that reached past getting through the day at present.

I am accustomed to being in constant survival mode, because almost the entire time I’ve been a stay-at-home mom Robbie was working at a car dealership. Car dealerships can suck it. I hate them all. He pretty much lived at work while I was keeping our kids alive, all the time, and this went on for almost three full years. I don’t know how we’re still married, and I REALLY don’t know how I managed to function. I seem to have already blocked it from memory.

Now that he has a different job (working for my family — ahem) and very normal business hours, a whole new world has opened up to us. Our budget may be tighter, but we don’t miss an LSU game. We can have a social life again … well, first we have to find some friends … but once we do, we can totally hang out with them all weekend.

He took Maverick on a camping trip. They build Lego creations together and got up at 5 a.m. in the middle of the week to see the blood moon. We go on family walks and bike rides. We eat dinner together every night. I could go on and on listing the ways that our family life has improved, and it’s not all rainbows and roses over here, but it’s just really, really … nice.

It’s about damn time.

It took over a month for us to realize that we can slow down and enjoy our simple life at whatever pace we want to FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. Of course we wish we had more money to slow down and enjoy it with, but when we do things like make a campfire in our backyard and show the older kids the constellations it reminds me of why I quit my job in the first place.

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At the end of the day, when we’re all together looking up at the sky and I am screaming “STAY AWAY FROM THE FIRE!!!” at my 3-year-old and “LEAVE THAT FROG ALONE!” at my 6-year-old, none of it matters. I just want to be with these people as much as I can until I’m sick of them and need to escape to Target for a few hours.

But don’t worry, I always come back.

Locked Out.

Yesterday afternoon, I was home with Asher and the baby. All was well; they played happily while I spaced out.

I said, “Hey Asher, let’s go check the mail!” And we walked out the back door, leaving Pepper to play alone for a few moments while we went to the mailbox.

I shut the door behind us and realized too late Asher had turned the lock on the doorknob before I shut it, locking us outside and the baby inside. I know you’re probably all wondering why I don’t just keep a phone tied to my hand, or at the very least, AN EXTRA KEY OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE. I have wondered these exact things myself, friends. But as I stated earlier this week, I can’t even think straight to ask for help or answer the question “What can I do to help you?” So no, there was no extra key. I’m lucky I had proper clothes on.

Yet again, we walked next door to the sweet neighbor’s house, where Mrs. Jo let me use her phone and phone book to call for help. But this time, she kindly said “You know … I’d be happy to keep a copy of your house key here.”

And I said, “Yes … I think you should.”

Thankfully, my mother-in-law was home and answered the phone, drove right over and let us sit in her air-conditioned car as we kept a watchful eye through the window to make sure Pepper stayed safe while we waited for Robbie to arrive with his house key. She also proactively made copies of our house keys to prevent this absurdity from happening again. What would I do without these capable people in my life?! I really don’t know. This morning I lost and found my wallet twice in the span of 10 minutes, then lost it again in line at the coffee place.

I need school to start.

Now.

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