When a woman decides that she is ready to take charge of her life and turn the metaphorical ship around, it’s very empowering.
In the first few days of sobriety I was extremely proud of myself. Check this out! Look at how I just dropped my addictions like a bad habit! Friends, family and internet strangers backed me up with their applause. You’re a rockstar! We’re so proud of you! You can do it!
At some point in the past 17 days, the fog lifted just enough for me to make several observations, not one of them pretty.
I’m much worse off than I realized. My body is still detoxing. I may have damaged my health permanently. My soul is, like, NOT RIGHT.
My pride is what rooted me to alcohol, and fear was the soil it drank from.
When all is stripped away, when I stand in the mirror and see myself bare — without makeup or sturdy undergarments, without the things that suppressed my deepest, darkest demons and hid them from everyone, including myself — what is left? Examining myself under a bright fluorescent light has never, ever, been something I enjoy.
The truth is that I lost myself a very long time ago, and although I’d like to find my way back to that person again, I’m worried I won’t like her. Change is scary. And what about Robbie? What will he think of the new me? I expressed my concern to him the other night and he laughed.
“I fell in love with messed up Harmony,” he said. “So I’m pretty sure I’ll like the new one.”
Robbie didn’t know when he met me how messed up I was. He fell in love with my spirit, just like I fell in love with his. When I start feeling angry about things like my past, my circumstances, the old white men in the A.A. meetings who stare at me like I’m a chunk of meat with no other purpose than to fulfill their perverted desires, my sponsor makes me send her a list of 10 things that I’m grateful for.
My lists vary daily, but always, always on that list is my husband. My addictions are his addictions, my struggles are his struggles, and tomorrow he’s going with me to an A.A. meeting, because that’s how a bad ass husband supports his alcoholic wife.