Check Please.

Today … wow. Where to start. 

First of all, I made chili. I haven’t cooked anything from scratch for months and months, and even though I truly don’t have the time to cook now, I am just sick of eating frozen food. Someone should have been here to videotape the whole charade of me trying to juggle a fussy baby, chop an onion, brown some beef, put Asher down for his nap, and ignore my ringing phone. I assume I looked as ridiculous as I felt. 

I felt strung out, just like this stereotypical frazzled mom, but not nearly as put together. And I wasn’t smiling. This mom is smiling. She actually looks like she just took a Valium.

Thankfully, I suppose, those insanely ridiculous moments will never be captured on on video — because if there was another person in my house capable of operating a video camera then they would be helping me. I need a sister wife. Preferably one who looks like the lady up above: well put together, aproned, and possibly drugged.

It’s worth mentioning here (because I will likely block this out later down the road) that Asher had a very bad fall last night and busted his mouth so hard that we were certain he was going to lose some teeth. Thankfully his teeth seem okay, and a doctor checked him out and said there is no way to stitch the gash which is along his gum line. All we can do is wait for it to heal and give him lots of popsicles and Tylenol.

He bled a lot — like a scary amount. When Husband returned with him after seeing the doctor, his face was caked with dried blood and it totally looked like they had stopped somewhere so he could feast on dead deer. It was all very Twilight. However, by this morning the bleeding had stopped, and he seemed okay enough to go to the grocery store. 

Off we went, and he was totally fine for the entire grocery trip, until we got to the register to check out. He waited until the cashier started talking to him, telling him what a cutie pie he was, to start hemorrhaging from his mouth. He was oblivious to the blood, smiling and talking animatedly per usual as blood ran down his face and onto his shirt.

Check. Please.

There is really no good way to explain, apologize, or gracefully exit when your kid’s face starts bleeding profusely for no apparent reason in a public place. I mumbled something like, “He fell last night and busted his mouth,” and wished the floor would open up and swallow me or at the very least that I had the foresight to put medical gauze in the diaper bag. As we hurried out, he waved to all the people who were staring and yelled “BYE BYE!” as he sprayed my chest with blood. 

Really, at this point, the week can only improve.

Also, I just noticed the mom in the picture above has on wedge heels. I no longer want her to be my sister wife. I kind of hate her, actually, with her Valium and her oven baked turkey.

I found an accurate depiction of what things are like in my house right now and this is it:

One day I will find zen and wedge heels again. But right now, I have to go get the blood out of my shirt.

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