LISTEN UP, PEOPLE.

I could slap you with hundreds of heart-felt stories of those who have been helped by the nonprofit Scary Mommy Nation.

But I won’t.

Not that you aren’t good people, but most of you would skip over it or go to the next page. And I don’t blame you, because I would normally do the exact same thing. I get it. We don’t have extra money. We need our money. Why should we just hand it out to random nonprofits who want to feed total strangers?

I have a dog in this particular fight because I donated my time to write an essay that I didn’t think anyone would ever read. And now it’s going to be published, in a book, that will be released on Monday, November 17. (If you want to buy the book, there is a picture of it on the right side of the screen under the heading “PRE-ORDER THE BOOK!” If you click there, you can buy it. Excuse me while I hyperventilate.)

ANYWAY … whatever royalty money that the authors would have received from sales is going directly to Scary Mommy Nation, and that will translate into families who can’t afford food getting fed. I am incredibly proud to be a very small part of making someone’s holiday better. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know them. It doesn’t matter that we will likely never meet. I HELPED SOMEONE BECAUSE I CAN. Period.

We now have 24 hours left to raise the money needed to feed the remaining families on the waiting list, and I intend to guilt you into donating. Let’s begin!

First, let’s discuss what $50 can buy. I’ll start with this “Figural Turkey Bowl Stand” from Pottery Barn, which costs roughly $50.

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Of course, you could get the “Figural Fox Bowl Stand” instead, shown below. It’s regularly $49.50, which is just fifty cents shy of being enough to FEED A FAMILY IN NEED.

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I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

Are you ready for more? The next one involves this little guy below. Prepare yourselves.

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The “Figural Squirrel Serve Bowl and Stand Set” IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE from Pottery Barn. It looks just like the turkey and the fox, as you can see. But it’s more popular because the squirrel bowl can hold nuts! Apparently so many people with money to spend wanted a squirrel with a bowl for an abdomen that they bought them all up. They’re gone, off to hold appetizers for people whose lives are so bountiful that they serve nuts in bowls held by woodland creatures just because it’s CUTE and THEY CAN.

So, what else can $50 buy? Let’s see …

– This Ninja hoodie.

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– A “Personalized Wood Watch Case,” like this one from overstock.com.

Vintage-Brown-Finish-Wood-Glass-Top-Watch-Case-w-High-Clearance-Holds-10-watches-P13973992– Or … a Snuggie.

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If you love me, and I feel like you do, I am begging you to please take your extra $10 or $20 or $100 and use it to feed a deserving family. Don’t take that money that could be used for good and buy a bunch of crap that takes up space in your home that is already full of beautiful things. Just … don’t.

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To donate to the 2014 Thanksgiving Project, click here.

Did my guilt trip work?!?!? Be sure to let me know!

Disclaimer: I really do love Pottery Barn, just not right now, and if you own anything shown here, I have no judgment. Just remember all the people in need when you enjoy them, is all I’m saying.

Pumpkin Pecan Cheesecake.

Southern Living magazine

Hello, my delicious friend.

I’ll be making you for Thanksgiving … provided I’m able to bake in peace by then.

Otherwise, I’ll be forced to bake you in the middle of the night while my family sleeps. Who knows what I might jack up if it comes to that.

I’ve never made cheesecake before. Most certainly, attempting to do so on very little sleep, in a fragile emotional state, makes the most sense.

I’ve stopped caring how much cleavage my neighbors see.

Since I have been home for the past few days, I’ve been living in comfort. This translates into robes, nightgowns, tank tops … anything stretchy. It takes a lot of effort to cover everything up. So I’ve pretty much stopped trying.

What I HAVE done successfully, is bake something incredible. I got this recipe for “Nordy Bars” from my friend Anca.

OMG. Heaven.

(source)

The Time I Caught My Oven On Fire.

Note the burned exterior.

I just wanted to bake cookies to take to my grandparent’s house this afternoon. That’s all.

We went to the grocery store. I stuck to my list. I did not buy ice cream, or even walk down the ice cream aisle. I got home, settled my child in front of Nick Jr, preheated the oven to 375 and started mixing up ingredients. 

As I returned the milk to the refrigerator, I saw it. Black smoke billowing out of my oven.

Remember the lasagna that no one would eat? Well, apparently something overflowed when I baked it earlier this week. I wouldn’t have known about it … I don’t pay attention. Or clean my oven. 

When I pulled open the door, I saw FLAMES

I stayed calm. I did the reasonable thing. 

I … threw a box of baking soda in there. Literally, the whole box. On accident. I meant to just dump some soda on the flames, not toss the whole box in. So then I had to fish THAT out, before the box caught afire. As you can see in the photo above, it was well on it’s way. Retrieving it required Husband’s grilling gear, one of those poky things that are used to spear meat, and a whole lot of gumption. 


Conclusions: 
1. Our smoke alarm doesn’t work.
2. I need to clean my oven.
3. I may need to stop cooking altogether.
4. WHAT THE HELL?! Does this stuff happen to other people? Wait. Don’t answer that.

Groceries.

Last week Publix had a “Buy One, Get One Free” sale on Mayfield ice cream. As you can imagine, I hightailed it over there and picked up two different flavors (Homemade Vanilla and Brown Cow) along with a big bottle of chocolate syrup.

Mixing all of the above together in a big bowl = heaven. 

I’m just saying.

Several nights later, I realized I was the only person in the house eating said ice cream … and I had put a pretty large dent in our supply. I got really disgusted with myself, internally blamed my Husband for not being more of a pig and eating it before I had a chance to, and packed it all up in a shopping bag.

I sent all of it to work with him today. I don’t care what happened to it. It is most likely still in his truck. I just wanted it away from me so I don’t continue to stuff myself with it.

Now … I’m getting ready to go back to the grocery store. Husband informed me on Thursday that he wants us to host a Super Bowl party tomorrow, so I have to return to Publix for dip-making supplies. 

I WILL NOT BUY MORE ICE CREAM. 

I WILL NOT BUY MORE ICE CREAM. 

I WILL NOT BUY MORE ICE CREAM.

What I’m Obsessed With Now.

I’m generally not a huge fan of fast food. Husband loves the burger and fry places but I hate the gross feeling I get after eating JUNK. It makes my stomach hurt. I normally avoid it unless we’re traveling.

This new me, the pregnant version, is someone I do not recognize. She literally sat in front of Taco Bell on Friday morning waiting for it to open. Well … first she circled the drive thru a few times to see if anyone was in there, and then to read the Hours of Operation sign. They opened at 10:00 a.m. So she waited.

When they unlocked the doors, she went inside, ordered three items — one of them with extra cheese, please.

Today, she hit up Wendy’s. WHO AM I BECOMING? I’ll tell you who. A person with an obsession. May I present … the Wendy’s sour cream and chive baked potato.



MMMM.

 

I took one heavenly bite and knew this had to be on the internet. So I took out my iphone to take this picture, and I heard someone shouting from the kitchen of Wendy’s “Hey! Hey!”

I looked up and there are three Wendy’s employees staring at me. One of them said “What’s wrong with your potato? Are you a food critic?”

I said no, I’m just pregnant. And my potato is excellent.


YUM.