Just realized that I carried on an entire conversation with the UPS man with toothpaste all over my chin. I put it there at 6:30 morning because I’m getting a pimple. Haven’t looked in a mirror since.

I’m losing it. 

Not that you people couldn’t already see my mental state unraveling before your very eyes, via this blog. TWO is almost three months old and, I have finally come to grips with the fact that I’m on the cusp of … something. What it is exactly, I do not know yet. A mental or emotional breakdown? Postpartum depression come late? Or perhaps just a break THROUGH, where I will accept the things I cannot change (my children, my husband), embrace the madness that is my life, and stop worrying about whether I am doing anything right.

Today I let one of my sons hang out in the laundry for awhile, and the other one has been wearing my apron all day. 

I see nothing wrong with this.

I DO see something wrong with the fact that I walked around the house with a Magic Eraser today and most of the marks on the walls were caused by Husband and not a child. I’d like to go into more detail here, or maybe a crazed rant, but I love my Husband and talking trash about him on the World Wide Web seems wrong somehow.

But seriously … HOW CAN ONE MAN DESTROY SO MUCH? When he gets home, I’m going to look at him like this:

There are many reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed to have access to the internet.

Here is the latest.

 
Other things I probably shouldn’t have access to:

1. Impressionable minds

2. A refrigerator

3. 

When I am sleep-deprived, I tend to make questionable decisions. This may involve anything from wearing a terrible outfit in public (these pants aren’t too tight … they don’t show my crack … do they? I’m sure it’s fine …) to something more serious like choosing to skip a final exam in college because I was too. tired. to. get. up. Tired, not hung over. I wish to clarify this.

At this point in my life, I am in a constant state of sleep deprivation. The other day I spent 10 minutes sitting in my driveway trying to figure out how to plug my GPS into the car charger. I have had this GPS for months. Charged it numerous times. Finally I turned off the car, brought it inside and demanded angrily at Husband to please show me how it plugged in, because clearly it was his fault that I couldn’t figure it out.

Two months ago, the idea of attending a midnight movie premiere sounded FUN, like something a girl who had just had a baby would love to do. In reality, it was pure torture. I put both kids to sleep, changed out of my jammies and chugged a 5-Hour Energy drink. I decided to use a mantra: TAP INTO YOUR TWENTIES. TAP INTO YOUR TWENTIES. Because there was a span of time in my life where I slept very little and still managed to function in the daytime, thanks to crack a whole lot of energy drinks.

My friend (also a mom) and I had to give ourselves a major pep talk just to make it through the previews. I felt old. I felt really, really old. But … we did it. We made it through the fourth installment of the cheesiest movie series EVER. I made it home and got in bed at 3 a.m. which did not make me feel like I was living some sort of exciting life. It made me want to slit my wrists.

Lest you think I didn’t actually go out and do this stupid thing, here is proof in photo:

What’s that? You want to know what we’re drinking? It was called a Breaking Dawn. That’s right. It was the $5 special. And yes, I was definitely holding up my lanyard for the photo. We were VIP. That stands for Very Important Person.

Guess what I got to take home with me?! A shirt with a big ol’ J on it. My swag bag had an “E” shirt in it, and I swapped it out. I felt like an idiot the entire time the swapping process was going down, but I figured I had the lanyard around my neck and I was in a theater when I wanted desperately to be asleep, so I may as well get the right t-shirt.

Four hours of sleep and a pot of coffee later, I decided it would be the perfect time to shop online for Christmas presents. A big apology to my entire family for the items they will receive from us this year, because I have no idea if they are AWESOME or TERRIBLE. What I find the funniest about all of this is the fact that Husband had nothing to do with any of it, yet his name will be front and center on every one of those gift tags. 

Happy Holidays! 

I am sleep deprived, angry, and desperate. ONE is giving us HELL. He’s a difficult kid to parent because he is difficult to discipline. We have tried almost everything we can think of, and nothing is working for bedtime. Last night was horrible. I got very little sleep. This morning, I feel like shipping him off somewhere. But three is a little young for boarding school.

This is all especially unfortunate timing because tonight is my long-awaited Twilight: Breaking Dawn premiere party. I’m going with a friend and I’ve had our tickets for two months. But … ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP. I don’t want to sit in a packed theater at midnight and stare at Edward.

It’s just depressing.

Maybe I’ll bring a blanket and use that time to take a much-needed nap.

I just assembled this mother ship of a double stroller. By myself.

Next step: lie down.

It seems that every person in my house is making it his mission to prevent me from sleeping. TWO slept for 6 hours total last night. He is currently sitting here, staring at me. Oh, and his left arm. Again.

Between him, his brother, and his snoring daddy, I’m exhausted. 

I made coffee. Eight cups. Because I plan to drink every last one of them. 

Here’s what happened next.

I mistook heavy whipping cream for half and half. I poured a healthy amount into my coffee before I realized my folly. Didn’t stop me from drinking it. Oh, no. I quite enjoyed it. However, I might not have enough left to make my practice run cheesecake today. And if that requires me to make another trip to Walmart, that place I hate so much, with my children, in the rain … well. I may need to consider adding another ingredient to my next cup.

Happy holidays!