Do You Want To Pee Alone?

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Harmony

DUN, DUN DUN!

I have an announcement to make! I’m being published in another book (insert high-pitched screeching)!

I Still Just Want To Pee Alone, due out March 27, will be available in e-book form and paper form. I personally prefer paper form. I have every intention of hugging it and sleeping with it under my pillow. And YES, you can totally get a signed copy. I mean … if you want.

Can you spy Modern Mommy Madness?!

I Still Just Want To Pee Alone is the sequel to the national best-seller I Just Want To Pee Alone. I am honored to be included in this anthology with many other extremely talented writers, and I will let you know as soon as it’s available for order!

(Did that sound professional enough? Because the real truth is, I am totally hyperventilating over here.)

Jumping Jacks.

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Harmony

Interviews are not my strong point. At all. Just ask one of the many members of management at my old corporate office where I endured several panel interviews before quitting to stay home with the kids.

Painful.

I have strong interpersonal skills, but when I’m being focused on intently by someone I don’t really know, I go weird. This is why one of my current life goals is to avoid putting myself in a situation where I’d have to go through an interview EVER AGAIN.

Writers and bloggers shouldn’t have to be interviewed, right?

Wrong.

I was very flattered to be asked to participate in a podcast interview recently (details forthcoming). I know very little about the world of podcasts, but I said yes without hesitation because why not, right? Then I proceeded to stress out about it for a week and eat ALL THE THINGS.

Yesterday, the day of the interview, I totally panicked. I paced around the house, checking the clock repeatedly, waiting for it to strike 12:30 so I could dial the number — which I also checked and rechecked repeatedly. I was so nervous and had no idea what to do with myself, so I put on my adult onesie and did jumping jacks. Because that’s normal.

I spent the interview being weird and laughy and trying not to yell “THIS IS TERRIFYING!!!” into the phone. Because, nerves.

If I ever have to return to the workforce, I might wear this to the interview. At least I’d feel warm and cozy.

If I ever end up famous (snort) and someone asks me, “Do you get nervous during interviews?” I’ll totally lie and claim that I never get nervous because I practice daily meditation, eat steamed kale for breakfast, and eschew caffeine.

I will not admit to jumping jacks and camouflaged onesies.

But you’ll know the truth.

Virtual Happy Hour.

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Harmony

It’s Friday night, and if I had the wherewithal to put some real pants on and meet a girlfriend for a drink, I WOULD. Unfortunately, I’ve had the same toothpaste on my zits since this morning and the mere thought of brushing my hair makes me exhausted.

It’s been that kinda week.

If we were to meet for drinks, I’d have a lot to say. First of all, this week of motherhood sucked. If you were silly enough to ask, “How come?” I wouldn’t even feel like rehashing it all. I would just silently pour myself another glass of wine. I would then mention the fact that there is only one of me and there needs to be like, three.

I’m potty-training my middle child again. Hopefully it will stick for real this time, cross your fingers, girlfriend. NOW. Cross them.

The reason my pants are tight.

The potty trainee gets M&M’s every time he uses the toilet, which is working out well except for the fact that I hand him one or two, and then immediately eat a fistful because potty-training is hell and I loathe it with every fiber of my being.

Then there is the matter of my writing. Excuse me while I pour myself another glass.

This week I hit a low point and found myself wondering if writing is a stupid waste of time. I could spend my time doing a million other, more constructive, things that would better my family … like cooking organically, clipping coupons, or remembering to pay the water bill. I don’t know. Shit like that.

If I didn’t write, I would actually have time to be a decent Room Mom, instead of a total slacker who throws random baked goods and hastily-written checks at the school and swears to herself she will do better next time.

I’m not even making any real money.

I already have so much on my plate.

My extended family is mortified by some of the things that I write. My use of profanity embarrasses them.

I AM AN EMBARRASSMENT TO MY FAMILY.

That’s a hard thing to know. I never set out to be an embarrassment. If I didn’t have this compulsive need to write words and share them with people, maybe everything would be easier. No one would know that I do things like eat my kid’s candy and then lie about it, or drink and swear on occasion. They wouldn’t know how much I struggle to parent my children.

No one would know anything about me at all.

But the problem is, my life would be impossible for me to live healthfully if I couldn’t write about it. I’m not writing for my family. I’m writing for me.

For my sanity.

So I can breathe.

As scary as it can be to put myself out there, I continue to show up and write words because I don’t want to cut my own ear off or whatever happens when a creative person isn’t allowed to create. And honestly, I feel it is my duty to announce to women everywhere that sometimes being a wife and a mother is so hard and insanely frustrating that you just want to take the damn hand mixer and throw it through a window.

You aren’t a failure for feeling that way. You’re normal. That’s my message.

And then two nights ago, as I was dumping the third basket of clean clothes on my bed to fold while I waited for Robbie to come home from work and rescue me from our terrible children, my phone beeped.

I had an e-mail.

I’m going to be in another book.

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I’M GOING TO BE IN A REAL BOOK WITH PAGES!!!!!!!!

A friend shared this in a writing group I’m in today, and I love it. “A blessed unrest.” That is what it’s like to constantly want to write and share your thoughts, profane as they may be.

There is a vitality,
a life force,
a quickening
that is translated through you into action,
and because there is only one of you in all time,
this expression is unique.

And If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.
The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine
how good it is
nor how valuable it is
nor how it compares with other expressions.

It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly
to keep the channel open.
You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work.
You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU.

Keep the channel open…
No artist is pleased…

There is no satisfaction whatever at anytime
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction
a blessed unrest that keeps us marching
and makes “us” MORE alive than the others.

Martha Graham
( – a letter to Agnes De Mille-)

Noise.

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Harmony

I have a lot of noise in my life.

The kids are loud. They interrupt me when I’m thinking. They make it hard to have a conversation. They bang on pots and scream like maniacs, running through the house waving their arms overhead.

They make slides out of sleeping bags and forts out of pillows, and it always results in screaming. Their projects never end well.

The world is a loud place. All the advice and opinions — some sought after, and some not — clash together in a inharmonious way that I find stressful. I felt this way when I first became a mother, like there were too many voices telling me what I should be doing. Telling me how to do this thing that I was meant to do.

I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now.

Noise makes it hard to hear. I lose my bearings when it’s loud. I forget which way is up. I lose my sense of purpose. Much like how I had trouble finding my footing as a new mother, I now struggle to hear the inner voice that guides me as a writer because of all the damn noise that gets in my way. I have a strong gut that has never failed me, but sometimes it’s hard to hear what it’s saying BECAUSE NO ONE WILL SHUT UP.

Lately, I’ve struggled to find my bearings. A year ago, if someone would have told me of all the opportunities that were going to come my way I would have laughed until my eyes watered. But now those opportunities are here. They’re happening.

It’s so disorienting to make a goal for yourself and then actually reach it. I can’t say I’m entirely familiar with that phenomenon. Usually I think, “Yeah, I’ll do that,” knowing full well I won’t really, because I either lack the capacity or the motivation. Most often the latter.

I want to savor my achievements, instead of rushing to the next thing. I want the noise to stop so I can quietly say to myself, good job. You busted your ass for that.

I quit my career in insurance because I was terrible at what they refer to as “work/life balance.” Apparently I’m not great at writing/life balance, either. On the surface, it appears I have it all together … but on the inside, I’m angsty. I often feel like I’m stuck in a purgatory of feeding children, cleaning children, sweeping up children’s messes and keeping children from hurting themselves, when I would much rather be sitting somewhere quiet so I could get all these ideas out of my head and into a Word document. And then I think about how feeling that way must mean I’m a terrible mother.

Sometimes I resent my family for getting in the way of my writing. But if I’m honest with myself, I know that without them in my life I would have very little to say. And then there would be no noise at all.

Not even in my head.

A Lode Of Honesty.

Posted on December 3, 2014 by Harmony

Oh, boy.

Let me preface this by saying, please don’t go any further if you are my mother, my grandmother, my mother-in-law (oops, too late) or anyone else who may be offended by inappropriate language and/or knowing about my naked body. Although, if that is the case, is this really the website for you?

(It is not.)

But for everyone else, HI! THIS IS A REALLY BIG DAY FOR ME! One of my essays got published on Mamalode, and I’m super proud of myself — but also cringing a little on the inside. If you read it, you’ll see why.

Some people have asked me, “Why are you writing such personal things?” Well … I really don’t know. I have a deep well of stories that just need to come out. I don’t really put a lot of thought into the why, I just know what I must do, and what I must do is write. I have so many things to tell. So, so many.

Just wait.

(Want to read my essay? Click here to check it out!)

The Liebster.

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Harmony

Modern Mommy Madness has been nominated for a Liebster Award! Thank you for noticing me, No Such Fairytale! (Twitter handle: @nosuchfairytale)

Now, I’m kind of a Grinch and don’t usually participate in these things … which may explain why only a few hundred people read my blog. But first … are you confused about what I’m talking about? Because up until a few minutes ago I was completely clueless.

The Liebster is an award that only exists on the internet, given to bloggers by other bloggers, generally to bloggers who don’t have a massive following (yet!). The rules are pretty simple, from what I can gather:

1. List 11 random facts about yourself.

2. Answer the questions sent to you.

3. Nominate 11 bloggers, notify them that they have been nominated, and ask them 11 questions thought up by YOU!

4. Kick back with a drink. (I added this step.)

Whew! I’m worn out already.

11 Random Facts:

1. I’m left-handed.

2. I went to boarding school for grades 9-12.

3. Bible college was not for me.

4. I did not discover coffee until I was in my twenties.

5. My mother once told me she thinks Starbucks laces their coffee with cocaine.

6. I’m an only child.

7. I have very short eyelashes and was infinitely relieved when my children inherited my husband’s dark, thick lashes.

8. Home ownership was not for me.

9. I am very unclear on how to “bone” a chicken.

10. I used to write bad poetry.

11. Now I write essays.

***

Here are the questions I’ve been given to answer:

1. What’s your drink? What would you order at a bar if there were no repercussions – financial, health, or otherwise?

Very pricey red wine. But I don’t know what kind, because I’ve never been in the position to learn about pricey wines.

2. What is your dream vacation?

I have trouble thinking past what it would be like just to escape for a handful of days with my husband. I guess right now, anything would do.

3. Tell me about your best day.

My best day … ever? I’ve had a lot of best days. My wedding day, the day I gave birth to each of my three kids, my 34th birthday. Those were all best days.

4. What was your first car?

OH. I’m very proud of my first car. It was a 1989 Dodge Diplomat, purchased for $600 cash at the Louisiana State Auction. It was an old cop car — very fast, very beat-up, with no way to get out of the back seat.

5. Where did you fit in high school?

Ugh. I don’t want to talk about high school.

6. Are you a texter or a caller?

I am very much a texter.

7. Everyone is a work in progress. What thing would you change about yourself if you could snap your fingers and make it happen?

I’d choose to be a more relaxed person.

8. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I think part of me always wanted to be a writer.

9. Now, what do you want to be when you grow up?

A success.

10. What time do you go to bed at night?

Between 10:30-11:00.

11. What is your worst habit?

Stressing. I’m a worrier.

***

Here are the 11 questions I will direct to the bloggers I’ve nominated:

1. What one thing do you love about yourself?

2. What is your greatest strength?

3. Who do you draw energy from or enjoy being around?

4. What types of activities drain you?

5. What kind of person is your alter ego?

6. Name your favorite comfort food.

7. Favorite place to spend a rainy afternoon.

8. What do you do after the kids go to bed?

9. What do you wish you could change about your life?

10. Do you believe in prayer?

11. What beauty product has never failed you?

***

I nominate:

The Outnumbered Mother

Interior Style by Kiki

You Have Six Kids

Three Monkey Chaos

AND … GO!

When Christians Curse.

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Harmony

What happens when a person (me) who calls herself a Christian (I am) uses inappropriate language in print?

1. Upon seeing herself in an actual book, she screams “HOLY SHIT!”

2. She burrows under the covers, fearing judgement from those who will read it. Her husband coaxes her out with coffee and scrambled eggs.

3. Her husband also finds her bio with the rest of the authors, and points out the irony of the F-word being in the same sentence with “loves God.”

4. They laugh. And cringe. But mostly laugh.

The language. The admission of drinking. The brutal honesty. Is this “Christian?” Some would say no, and I accept that. I was raised a third-generation Seventh-day Adventist, surrounded by wonderful, warm, God-loving people who did not drop F-bombs. I’ve never heard my mother use inappropriate language, and I myself don’t use it out loud that often. I’m thankful for my conservative upbringing, because I do believe in God and I do hold my children to a high moral standard.

I also drink wine at night after I have prayed with them and tucked them into bed.

I try my best not to scream expletives around them, ever.

I sometimes fail at this.

But you know, some people get my writing and some people don’t. That is totally okay. I do not expect everyone everywhere to agree with me or love what I do. I understand if there are people who think I’ve gone off the deep end or turned my back on my upbringing, although both of those assumptions are incorrect.

You know what is a virtually impossible achievement? TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY.

I realize that there are lots people out there who don’t want to read my work, and I get that, because I am also very picky about what I read. We are all different and we like different things. That’s a good thing! I embrace diversity. I also know that thinking too much about the opinions of others is the quickest way to kill creativity. My one big rule is this: if my husband is not okay with it, then it doesn’t get published.

I guess my point is, I refuse to allow the fear of judgement to hold me back. This is the one thing I have in common with Taylor Swift. That, and the fact that we’re both very, very white.

This — my writing — is me, in honest form. If I tried hard to glaze over the grittiness of life, then I would not be speaking my truth. Some people are good at writing nicely. I’m good at writing honestly. And honestly, life is hard.

I only recently started referring to myself as a writer. When I say it out loud, it makes me weirdly and inappropriately emotional. My eyes well up and I choke a little, and then I feel stupid. Maybe eventually I’ll get used to saying it, but for now I just feel blessed to be able to back up that title with some pretty awesome accomplishments.

Buckle your seatbelts, bitches.

THAT’S RIGHT.

Posted on November 18, 2014 by Harmony

I’d say this is a pretty major accomplishment.

Tomorrow.

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Harmony

THE BOOK COMES OUT TOMORROW.

I’m going puke or cry or jump up and down. I really don’t know which one, or in which order it will happen, but I’m kind of beside myself right now … and my anxiety is manifesting in aggressive behavior towards my husband.

Please buy the book (you can get it here!) and give it a glowing review on Amazon!

WHAT?!

Posted on November 8, 2014 by Harmony

The amazing and talented Toni Hammer (if you don’t know who she is, you should immediately familiarize yourself) wrote a piece wherein I blabbered on and on and she actually posted it on her website.

You simply must read it. Now! Click here!

Pinch me.

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