Labor?! Is That You?

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Good news! I think the end is in sight. Hopefully by saying that, I haven’t jinxed myself. **contractions, please don’t stop now.**

Here’s a cervical dilation chart for you to review. Your day is now complete.

I went to the doctor today, for my 40-week checkup. FORTY FREAKIN’ WEEKS. I don’t know … maybe we’ll be done after TWO is born. Thinking about doing this again makes me want to poke my eyes out.

I think I no longer dislike my OBGYN. She won major points by telling me that I have progressed to 4.5 centimeters (see chart above), and that she is thrilled with how I’ve chosen to manage my pregnancy. She said she wishes more women would refuse interventions. That was nice to hear.

This leads me to wonder why interventions have become the normal way to go in this country. In a normal pregnancy, they aren’t needed. And a due date is just an educated estimate. So why is everyone asking me when I will be induced? I don’t want induction. Yes, I am extremely impatient and have hated almost every moment of being pregnant, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to force the baby out before he’s ready.

I also don’t want an epidural. THAT is a conversation starter. I had a nice long chat with a security guard today about that topic. She just couldn’t believe that I was choosing to have this baby naturally. Sure, some people accidentally get to the hospital too late and then they are just out of luck — but to CHOOSE it? She was incredulous.

I had an epidural with ONE and I hated the experience. It was riddled with unnecessary interventions and I am just grateful I summoned everything in me to push him out just in time;  they were booking the O.R. for my c-section when he emerged. He broke my tailbone but he was healthy, and I had a surprisingly fast recovery. Getting through that ordeal gives me the confidence to do things differently this time.

Supposedly, my brain is going to kick in and endorphins will help me manage my pain while I’m in labor … I guess this is nature’s way of keeping mothers from passing out? All I know is, I am ready to get this show on the road. Whatever I’m about to go through, I know it will be worth it.

Send us some positive vibes!!
 

Insomnia.

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I have insomnia.

It blows.

After lying in bed from 10 pm – midnight, I fell asleep. For an hour. Then I woke up to pee every hour, on the hour, four times. At 4:30 this morning, I was so annoyed desperate that I got up and went to Walmart.

I hate Walmart, but it’s not that bad before dawn. There was just me and an old man buying a lot of white bread, and that was it. I was back home by 6:30 and napping by 8:30, but again I woke up every hour to pee and then at 10:30 someone started ringing the doorbell and knocking on my door.

I was PISSED … but not for long. My sweet parents had the most interesting, beautiful arrangement sent to me, in honor of “new beginnings.” 

I’d like to begin now, thank you.                                                                                                                      

Still Pregnant.

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My due date is two days away, and yes, I am still pregnant. 

The ONLY reason you can see my foot here (can you find it?) is because I’m standing on one leg, holding it out in front of my ginormous belly. 

Don’t you just love my nightgown? It’s circa 2008 from my first pregnancy and is, hands down, the ugliest thing I own.


Husband thinks my stomach is bigger this time than it was when I was pregnant with ONE. I can tell you that while I’m not sure if my stomach is larger, I do know I am 8 pounds heavier and a whole lotta unpleasant. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to discuss anything, I don’t want to do anything.

Meanwhile, I continue to field questions from well-meaning people out there in the world. Yesterday I went to the credit union to get some money. The nice ladies there were aghast that I was,

1. Still pregnant
2. Walking around by myself in public — “shouldn’t you be at HOME? Or in the HOSPITAL?!”
3. Smiling (trying not to laugh at the above comments)

One of them, who I don’t really enjoy on a normal day, came around the counter to inspect me up close. She looked me up and down. She peppered me with questions, the most notable being “ARE YOU WALKING?? YOU NEED TO BE WALKING!”

Look lady, it’s 97 degrees outside, with a heat index of over 100. I most certainly am not walking. The only thing worse right now than being pregnant, is being pregnant whilst walking in this ridiculous heat. 

What I have been doing: reading, laundry, cooking, climbing stairs and chasing after my soon-to-be-three-year-old. And napping. And hoping that today will be the day.

Book Review.

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I’m reading Little Earthquakes by Jennifer Weiner. 

I recommend it. This concludes my book review.

(source)

Oh yes … there’s one more thing. 

I borrowed this book from the library, which is located less than a mile from my home. I never use that library because I went in there one time and it was so inexplicably TINY that I was annoyed and claustrophobed and never set foot in there again.

I went home and ranted to Husband about how pointless it was to have a public library that hardly had any books in it. I MEAN REALLY.

Fast forward to last week, when I got really tired of reading about pregnancy stuff on the Internet and decided to give the library another shot. Turns out, there’s an elevator I didn’t see before.

And a whole other floor.

Oh.

Open Letter.

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Dear ONE,

You have hated naps since birth. It’s a good thing I have an addiction to coffee, and was never much of a napper myself. However, since I got pregnant and had to cut back on uppers, it’s really become a problem for us. 

Why is it, that on most days, you spend the naptime hour in your room shouting things like “MOMMY! IS NAPTIME OVER?! HELLLLOOOOOOOOOO ….” 

Or, my personal favorite, “I SEE THE SUN! IT’S TIME TO GET UUUUP!”

And yet, on the days that I cave from exhaustion and drink so much caffeine that taking a nap myself is impossible, you konk right out. It’s just cruel.

 

You and Ollie the Octopus look so peaceful. That must be nice.


Love,
Your Mother

I Have Nothing To Report, Because I Have Been Doing Nothing.

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I am rested.

My to-do list is pretty much done. When is the last time that happened?! I can’t recall. 

Not working really has its perks. I can see why people enjoy it. Now all I need is a Range Rover, a pilates instructor, and a lot more money.

At my checkup last week I was relaxed and happy. My doctor asked about those killer-but-not-productive contractions I’d been having for weeks … the ones that had me convinced I was going to end up having TWO early.

“Well,” I said, “They stopped the day after I stopped going to work.”  

She commented that was “interesting.” I wanted to take her clipboard and bash her over the head with it. NO IT’S NOT!!! I have been telling her for over half of my pregnancy, that stress was causing the contractions. But since I am healthy, the baby is healthy, and I wasn’t running to the hospital every time I got them, she never saw fit to give me a written excuse to not be at work.

As a result, I am burning vacation time to sit at home and rest. It might sound silly, but it’s worth it to ME. I highly recommend to anyone who is completely burned out, to get yourself knocked up as quickly as possible. Then take vacation time to sit at home and rest before that bundle of joy gets here and your life takes on a new form of chaos.

Open Letter.

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Dear Merry Maids,

I believe today marks the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

My husband will come home and say that our house looks exactly the same as it did when he left this morning, but you and I know the difference.

You worked your magic on the downstairs toilet and scrubbed away that black stuff that has been there since we purchased this house. You cleaned the blinds and put little gold stickers on the toilet paper rolls. You folded my towels fancy-like.

You were worth every penny.

Thank you,
Harmony

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I’ve stopped caring how much cleavage my neighbors see.

Since I have been home for the past few days, I’ve been living in comfort. This translates into robes, nightgowns, tank tops … anything stretchy. It takes a lot of effort to cover everything up. So I’ve pretty much stopped trying.

What I HAVE done successfully, is bake something incredible. I got this recipe for “Nordy Bars” from my friend Anca.

OMG. Heaven.

(source)

Etsy.

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I think I’m addicted to Etsy. 

I just bought this wall decal for ONE’s room. I was actually looking for something to put in the baby’s room, but this was $18 so I snapped it up right away. 

www.etsy.com





























Finding cool stuff for TWO’s room has been challenging. Or maybe I’m just picky and have strange taste. I’m just not a fan of the typical “baby” stuff … not to mention, I won’t allow Winnie The Pooh in my home. I have a serious problem with that bear.

Maternity Leave, At Last!

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I am officially on maternity leave. I convinced Husband to use some of my vacation time until TWO gets here (I’m 38 weeks tomorrow). His response was, and I quote, “I’d rather you just be happy than have to listen to this every day.”

OH REALLY. IS THAT RIGHT.

I was offended. What did he mean, “this?” But I decided it didn’t matter what he meant by this. He agreed, and I decided in that moment that was ALL I cared about. 

I worked up until delivery with ONE, but this time, I was having an almost daily problem with false labor that was making it difficult to function in an office setting. Not to mention, I wanted to scream “Shut the f#ck up, you crazy motherf#cker” to every person who called my desk. Because that is rational. And professional.

Ever since I’ve been home, I’ve been fine. I can lie down if I need to. No one is yelling at me. I do not have to check my voicemail or email or instant messages. I am not getting faxes. I have no boss. I feel much calmer, and as a result, much more prepared to welcome a new life into this world.

So what have I been doing? Well … my first act was to watch Eat Pray Love. Then I carb-binged, bought an address book, organized paperwork and am currently working on finishing TWO’s room. Here it is, a work in progress. We still have to hang some stuff on the walls. 

 Here is the view from the doorway.

I took this with my phone, okay? So no judging.

We need something to hang above the crib that isn’t dangerous.

Picture-taking really isn’t my forte. If you are reading my blog and you feel disappointment in the visual aspect, I sincerely apologize.  

Now the thing that is keeping me awake at night is the worry that TWO will come late and I will either have to go back to work, or take time off without pay. Tonight is a full moon … isn’t that supposed to bring on labor?

Speaking of labor. I finally broke down and purchased a copy of  Ina May’s Guide To Childbirth, per the suggestion of several friends who have recently given birth sans medication. Have any of you read it?! 

The birth stories scared the crap out of me. Not the pain part — I can deal with that. The WEIRD stuff. Like having your husband “nurse” you to kick-start labor. Ummm … no thank you. I also do not wish to go wandering around in the woods and hang onto trees during contractions.

Verdict: I can’t decide if Ina May is some sort of angel, or a wacked-out hippie. I am neither of those things. I’m still planning to do this thing without an epidural, though. And Husband better NOT try to “nurse” me. Thinking about that makes me uncomfortable on so many different levels. It probably makes you uncomfortable, too. So let’s just not discuss it again.